Ramadan Kareem !

ہم ایک ایسے عھد میں جی رہے ہیں جہاں ہمیں اپنے دین پر عمل کرنے کی مکمّل آزادی حاصل ہے. ہم اس لحاظ سے خوش  قسمت ہیںکہ  ہر زندگی کے شعبہ میں ہم اسلام کو لاگو کرتے ہیں مگر صرف نام کی حد تک. ہماری زندگیوں میں قرآن کا تصور بس ایک فال نکلنے والی کتاب کی حد تک ہے یا زیادہ سے زیادہ ہم اسے کیمسٹری کے پریودک  ٹیبل جیسے رٹا لگا کر یاد کرتے ہیں اور سوچتے ہیں کہ شاید کیونکه  ہمیں یہ ١٢-٢٠ سوره یاد ہیں ہم جنّت میں پراپرٹی کے ملک بن بیٹھے ہیں .  بہت  ہوا تو حج کر کہ بچے کی جیسے  معصوم ہو گے اور سوچ لیا ک اب کیونک گناہ کوئی نہی بچا اسلئے جنّت پکّی ہو گیی.رمضان کی وزے ایک ایک کر کے گزرتے جا رہے ہیں اور میں سوچ رہی ہوں کہ کیا واقیی ہم نے جنّت کما لی؟ہم جو ہر روزے کا آغاز گرم پراٹھوں انڈے کباب بھاپ اڑاتی چاۓ کے مگ سے کرتے ہیں اور اختتام پکوڑے سموسے فروٹ چاٹ دہی بھللے شربت کھجور بھانت بھانت کی چٹنیاں اور الله بھلا کرے مسالا  پروگرامس کا ، مختلف انداز کی مہنگی سے مہنگی دیش افطار کی تیاری کے نام پر گھروں میں تیار کرتے اور پسند نہ انے پر  فرج  یا ماسی یا دسٹ بن  کی نظر کرتے ہیں،ہم نے اس سحر سے لے کر افطار تک کیا کمایا؟بھوک؟پیاس؟کچھ عربک کی  ان آیات کا ورد جن کا مطلب تک ہمیں معلوم نہی. مطلب معلوم ہے تو  معنی معلوم نہی.یا پھر نماز جس میں ذہن پر آج کیا پکایا جایگا اور درزی  کو کس انداز کے کپڑے سینا کے لئے  دینا ہے سوار رہتا ہے. ان میں سے غلط کچھ بھی نہی. مگر سہی بھی کچھ نہی ہے. وہ روزہ جس کی غایت یہ تھی کہ ہم اپنے ذہن اور جسم سے غرض کو ختم کر کے اپنے نفس پی قابو پانا سیکھیں، اپنے غریب اور پسماندہ بھائیوں کی کیفیت کا ادرک کریں دنیا میں اپنے ہونے کا جواز کسی نیک کا م کیصورت میں  پیدا کریں، اس روزے کو ہم صبح  چاے کے کپ مے ڈبو دیتے ہیں اور شام میں شربت کے گلاس میں سے نکل لیتے ہیں. ہم سے کتنے ہیں جنہوں نے اس رمضان میں کسی  غریب کے بچے کو لکھنا پڑھنا سکھایا.پاکستان میں بہت  سے لوگوں کو قرآن پڑھنا نہی اتا ، ہم سے کتنے ہیں جنہوں نے رمضان میں کسی کو قرآن پڑھنے کی تعلیم دی، یا قرانی آیات کا مطلب بتایا. ہماری اپنی اولاد کو گنتی کی چند سوره یاد ہیں جن کے  معنی اور مفہوم سے وہ نا  آشنا ہیں.  غلط یہ بھی نہی ، مگر یہ صرف نقطہ آغاز ہونا چھائے تھا، اصل سبق کہاں ہے؟کیا ہم نقطہ آغاز پی اٹک کر رہ گے اور یہیں لٹکے رہیں گے؟  کیا ہم کبھی اسلام کے اصل معنی اور اغراض کو نہی پا سکیں گے؟ایک نی روایت یہ چل نکلی ہے کہ رمضان کو اب ایک مہینے کی بجاے ذاتی حیثیت  میں مخاطب کیا جاتا ہے. رمضان آییں گے، رمضان جاییں گے رمضان آ چکے ہیں. جبکہ یہ صرف ایک مہینہ ہے، تقدیس کا تصور مختلف ہے اور اسکو ذاتی شکل دینا مختلف ہے.ہمیں ہمیشہ پوجنے کے لئے بت  ہی کیوں چاہیے ہیں؟ چاہے وہ عبادت کا بت  ہو یا روایت کا بت . ہم عبادت کے عملی نتیجے کو نظر انداز کر کے عبادت کو ہی کعبہ کیوں بنا بیٹھے ہیں؟کیوں  کہا گیا کہ روزہ نہ رکھنے کا کفّارا بھوکوں کو کھانا کھلانےکی صورت  میں ادا کیا جا سکتا ہے؟یہ دونو باتیں ایک برابر اس لئے ٹھہرا ی گییں کہ مقصد  ایک ہے، معاشرتی فلاح. دوسروں کا احساس.مگر اس جانب کسی کی توجوہ نہی ہے.عید کے لئے کپڑے تیار کے جا رہے ہیں، کھوے سےکھوا چھل رہا ہے  پکوڑے تلے جا رہے ہیں سموسے بن رہے ہیں مرغی روسٹ ہو رہی ہے، اشیاۓ صرف کی قیمتوں میں اضافہ ہو رہا ہے کیونک یہ ایک بھوکی قوم ہے....... بھوک بچی جا رہی ہے بھوک خریدی جا رہی ہے اور اس 
روزے سے ہم بھوک کے سوا کچھ نہی پا رہے ہیں        

 (بہت سے روزدار ایسے ہیں جنھیں روزے سے بھوک اور پیاس کے سوا کچھ حاصل نہیں ہوتا '( حدیث  مبارکہ '

Another stupid suicide note..!

I was watching BBC with a cup of tea in my hand when I read about Jiah Khan's suicide in news headlines. My first reaction was doubtful circumstances. Who commits suicide like this?hanging from the fan..underworld ties maybe, like rest of the stars, that snapped back at her. She wasn't that famous anyways, but sexy yeah. I read and forgot, like we forget many news headlines...people committing suicide owing to poverty, women selling their kids to earn bread and butter for the rest of their siblings, road accidents due to negligence. In short, more of a don't care a fig sort of headline. 

When I went to chat in the evening, Nix asked me if I had heard abt Ziah...who is he?I asked..the bolly actress that worked in Housefull 2..Oh her...hmm ..I did hear about her suicide, don't know why she took that step though...Career debacle what else, Nix replied. But she didnt really make it big..like ever! If it was some A grade actress who had faced a downturn I can understand, but Jiyah...she was just another face, easily substitute able. Nix's silent exuded the words he uttered on my callous reaction and as a clone entered the room, the topic of discussion changed. Later, browsing the net I looked up Jiyah's story and got a recent update...a suicide letter submitted by her mother unveiling the cause of her death. Having nothing better to do, I started on that 6 page suicide letter.

So? why did u say u died? I read again..You committed suicide because...

You had been through certain severe incidences like rape and abortion. But that's long gone....and you did survive it all, right?

Your boyfriend cheated at u...dump that bastard...than die for him?

You couldn't make it as big as you wanted....Life didn't end, did it? You were 26 forsakes!!You still had your chance.

He didn't bring you any gift though you waited so long for him to come back...what???come again???

He was disrespectful to your family, didn't even meet your sister, while you would bring his sister presents from every trip...You stupid stupid gal...should have dumped himmmm You hearing me? should have dumped the fuckerrrrr..!

It doesn't make sense Jiyah. Its a stupid stupid suicide note...maybe all suicide notes are stupid but yes this is the WORST OF EM ALL.Your life was too precious to be wasted on a moron like him. You think they are repenting that they treated you like a door mat? They are cursing you more that you made their lives hell even after leaving this world. You think bollywood cares? You think we care?I care? Nobody does...You are gone and we have the habit of forgetting people who leave. You went without a fight..date rapes, abortions, failures, complicated relations are things many gals have to face in life, maybe every fifth one has gone through one or more of these. They don't die, they fight. Like Amanat fought. If given a chance, she would have grabbed life, not thrown it away. How many would have taken you as a gift of God for them, but it was only him that you wanted...He maybe you life Jiyah , but he wasn't worth your life hun.

I feel so agitated, so angry, as tears well up in my eyes...I am angry at her..I am angry at media glamorizing suicides...I'm angry at her family..why couldn't they tell she was being suicidal. This is a society where women live a generally unhappy life. They are molested  physically, socially and psychologically. They have to give a tough fight to just survive..few opt out, thinking its the easy way out..It appears stylish to kick the world goodbye than to cling to life like some spineless worthless creature....all that just cause they don't know what happens after they kick that chair under them, after they cut their wrists and let the blood gush out, after they drink it, swallow it, blow it.. I know what happens. Its this horrific excruciating  pain of life getting scalped out of your body drop by drop, breath by breath..They don't show it on television, they didn't show it in dirty picture, or in any other movie like that, coz they cant. They cant show the remorse of that one moment where you realize everything could have been taken better give more time...the longing for that one chance, last chance to cling on to life. The chance they never get..

Jiyah's eyes are closed like many others. People may never see that regret, that hunger of one moment in her eyes..that is what I fear. I want every person to look at that in order to realize the real worth of their lives.I had my chance, many don't.

Cling on to life like a beggar. Please. This is what I want to tell, shout it out to all who are listening...DO NOT GIVE UP...DO NOT DIE ..I don't want to read another stupid suicide note...plz don't die.

The ones who got away

Since I was a kid I planned my life with the assumption that I will be famous one day. I dnt recall giving it a deliberate thought why and how will I be famous, but the assumption persisted till maybe 8 years ago. I was always caught up in the decision of writing my own biography or making a movie on it, 16 yrs of age I decided I was going to do both.  My favorite pastime would be to re make songs and movie scenes in my mind, and later try to compare them with the actual ones. All that time convincing myself of my directorial abilities, preparing for the classic of all times.

Between then and now is reality. Im a nobody. All I ever had was my imagination. All Im left with is my perspective. I dnt want to make the movie anymore, or even write a book....but somewhere sometime when something reminds me of somebody, I do want to dedicate a chapter to them, as I had vowed earlier. The only problem is that I dnt seem to remember them . Names, faces, events all is blurred images only ..I see em as lights from some faraway car highlight a tree on the roadside for a minute, and then it sneaks back into darkness...I dnt knw what happened and what did not anymore. What I saw and experienced may never have happened, may have been a creative escape from reality is what jolts my mind and holds my hand. Writing it as real maybe a lie , writing it as fiction would be a dishonesty...but then, all reality is fiction itself.  People I have dedicated chapters to in my life may never have even existed is something that scares the hell out of  me. As I try to write about them I feel like Anna Olson, baking cookies of different shapes and sizes...thats all I do now...bake cookies, name them after the ones who got away...the ones I never even had a chance to call back. Im standing where they left me, trying to find my voice....silently baking my cookies..and throwing them away !

Identity

Couple of days ago while on phone my youngest sister told me she was writing something about transgenders and wanted to get it published in the news paper. Transgenders? I asked...why u dont approve of me meeting with them and writing about them? she asked No...I said...Im just amazed at you for going on selecting such a topic. Glad you aint the potato head bimbo I have always thought u were ....I indeed appreciate your effort of trying to create some awareness about it. To which she took an offense...hah.. kids !!!...I asked her for a copy which she sent me promptly. Im posting her piece here coz I feel we all share the responsibility...

HE…SHE…IT…NO PLACE FOR SHIM???

Recently I and some of my friends made a short documentary on transgenders to participate in a documentary competition among different sections of my batch in University. For this reason we went to visit a few transvestites. I never knew where they lived but after using some contacts we planned a meeting at their place in Muhalla Nawaban of Bahawalpur city and later we met one in Mohalla derawari, in the same city. Passing through the narrow arteries I could see open drains and human waste all around me. After talking to Sahiba, sapna, and a few others I gathered some facts about this gender and the exploitation of their rights. Sahiba, the president of transgender society in Bahawalpur started the conversation by saying:

“God created us as He created all. We are born of a father and a mother as all rest, yet we are different. Our families may be ashamed of us but we know He loves us and that is why we don’t feel disgusted about ourselves. They don’t call us normal but we feel more normal than normal because we don’t let anything get us down. What doesn’t kill us just makes us stronger.”

 There I felt how ignored and marginalized they are…even their parents disown them because of the scorn they have to face from family, friends and neighborhood. In some cases if the parents don’t leave them, they feel beatnik and join the transgender community by will because among their own breed they are free to let their spirits out. This is how all these left alones make one big family for their survival. Further she said:

“I have faded memories of my mother hiding me in her arms when my father would beat me for wearing my sister’s make up and dressing up like her…I have that warm refuge no more that can hide me from this cruel world. Sometimes I wish I could lie down in her loving embrace and die.”

We see many organizations working for the under privileged but maybe the word doesn’t refer to transgenders. There are only a few organizations made by the transgender community, which are striving for their rights. Why? Only because they don’t belong to either of the two genders or that they fail to conform to the stereotypical so called norms of our society. On a question about dancing she said:

“We dance for the happiness of people we never dance over a funeral…we are not involved in terrorism neither do we kill people. We just dance and that’s not a crime.”

Many of the Mulla’s and fundamentalists call them fitna and object on their life style. In Pakistan when a person reveals that he has a soul of another gender trapped in his body he is taken as a stigma. Another astonishing fact revealed by Sahiba was:

“There are some transgenders who have long beards, they wear male clothes and have respect in the society but when they meet us they say “aur saheli tera kiya haal hai?” They talk to us like they belong here.”

Islam talks about equality and rights, nowhere in Quran are transgenders said to be treated the way they are treated by the torch bearers of Islam. We simply fail to understand that there are certain attributes inherited by some males or females from the opposite gender. They don’t do it by choice, it’s rather innate. It could either be physical or psychological. Sexual orientation does not always necessarily align with a person’s appearance. When asked about how they feel, a transvestite said:

“We feel like females from inside, we are inclined towards males but in our community we consider it immoral to touch another transgender. Males spend time with us, they love us but to save themselves from humiliation they never introduce us to their family and one day leave us saying the same patent sentence we hear all our lives that we are haram.”

The only source of earning a livelihood with an additional benefit of fulfilling their sexual needs is prostitution. We don’t leave them with a choice. If they are given the right to get married with a bit of social acceptance and education, they can turn out to be productive members of our society, instead of being a dead weight on the economy which is already hanging by a thread. Sapna said:

“Some of us want to start a business, open a salon or a boutique, some want to work in showbiz, we are perfect for these jobs. We have a “double mind” and are very hard working. Some want to study like I do but many of us take our dreams to grave.
Still we are happy with what we do. Dancing is a hard job. A normal person loses breath after dancing for an hour we dance barefooted on wet floors for hours.”

Transgenders in Pakistan are still deprived of basic human rights. If a girl gets raped people unleash upon the culprit but who cares when a transgender loses his dignity? Our society jumps on to the conclusion that their deviance from Islam and societal norms has lead them to a point where people take advantage of them.

Sahiba further said: “ When someone from our community dies molvi sahibaan refuse to offer our Namaz e Janazah because they think its haram”

The identity of approximately 80000 transgenders was denied for 64 years in Pakistan Recognition of their identity is just a baby step towards the rehabilitation of this social group. On a question regarding the issuance of ID’s she said:

“Chief Justice allotted us the right to self identification. Before that we were non existent for this so called humanistic society. But most of us still haven’t got ids. It is red tape.”

Chief Justice of Pakistan gave them the right of employment but will this really help when they are not educated in the first place? They face workplace discrimination. People don’t offer them jobs at home because they are considered hateful and untouchable. They are confused in which attire to choose in order to observe the dress code. Eventually they are forced into begging and prostitution as they need to fulfill their very basic need of food and shelter. 

A transgender said “ People give us coins in alms but for prostitution they offer us more”

We first exploit them and then blame them for not maintaining their dignity. The fact is none of us is a seraph, when we have acceptance for those who are special then why can’t we create some acceptance for them?

One of the transgenders sitting next to sahiba asked me a question that left me speechless....she asked…”Could you please tell me the gender of an angel?” Are they males or females….and I felt as if I have shrank in my clothes and become a dwarf in front of her. I could see her eyes getting wet…in a shaky voice she continued:

“When a druggie , a thief ,a rapist is accepted as part of a family, part of this society then why cant people accept us? You accept your brother if he gets out of a filthy drain but you never accept us….are we that bad? We may have the wrong body but our soul comes as pure as any other of the God’s beloved creation. You can’t give us love but some respect?”

I am not a writer but I found it my social responsibility to highlight their issues. I think Government should make separate schools and colleges for transsexuals where they can get proper education and learn some skills other then dancing. With that there should be a chapter on transgenders in the syllabus of elementary schools which creates a sense of acceptability and respect for the third gender among children. This will make our future generations treat transgender as equals.  

Ik zara muhabbat

Bas zara si izzat

Ik nazar pyar ki

Mujhay aur kuch nhi sirf ehsas chhaiye

Is dil ki bas yehi tamanna hai

mera wajud namehsoos sey mehsoos ho jaye

jo shanakht na mansoob thi kabhi mansoob ho jaye

Iridescence !

Something I have wanted to write about all this time still got no foothold...disarray of thoughts failed to develop in a logical flow. Maybe because I didnt really know the other side. Now that I have began exploring it, Im a little perplexed coz I still dont know the actual reasons. Why is our world growing 'not so religious anymore'? One reason I could identify from the talks of a few friends was the anti religion sentiment. People believe religions have lost their plot.  Atheism and existentialism attract people mostly coz they have experienced the religious phenomenon to be more intense and sometimes unjustified, not coz atheism does hold any substance in its own. Therefore, most of the times atheism is advocated just in order to reject the religious branding.

Most of the reasons of not being religious presented to me were as follows:

1. Most of the religious fanatics hate each other asserting that theirs is the only true path.  Then dont be a fanatic is my answer. No religion says neither have I read in any scripture that you should hate your fellow being coz he has different mental processes and ideologies , different beliefs than you. Its mostly upon you how to maintain a moderate approach. I know more about Islam so I would quote that to people who think Islam is an extremist religion. In Quran its said..''Tell them what u believe in, if they still wont believe in same, tell them their religion for them, you religion for u''. This phrase 'ur religion for u my religion for me' has been repeated twice in the same ayat, establishing the emphasis. Islam and Muslim are derived from the root 'Salema' which means peace and purity. This is the not only the literal meaning but is also the intended meaning. And I know each and every religion promotes peace and co existence. There are identified dimensions of rights of minorities in Islam and I remember reading it all in 9th standard. If I did, almost everyone would have. Still I see religious fanatics around. Its the meager 5 % that has hijacked our societal image. Jihad is a term often misused by these military activists. Jihad means standing against the tyrant, raising your voice. It can never be interpreted in brutal massacre of innocent people and children. I see non muslims co existing peacefully with muslims in almost all countries except for the subcontinent. Therefore implying a problem with interpretation of the religious bounds there. And why only Islam, Hinduism is a favored choice, Christianity is. The few religious fanatics from muslims, hindus or christians hating other religions or trying to convert them do not reflect on character of God. So why give up on God himself. Muhammad p.b.u.h eradicated slavery in Arabia. My atheist friends would acknowledge efforts of Martin Luther King Jr., but not Muhammad, in order to escape the religious tint. Bhagwat Geeta and Quran support women in stronger roles, emphasizing their respect and value, but they would choose to listen to Su Kyi and Calpurnia. Isnt it the same reverberation I say?

2. We would prefer to follow the religion of humanity. To that my answer is tell me one religion that is not the religion of humanity. The prime objective of every religion is same, core value structure is same. Its just operational definitions that are different. You may pray to God on a prayer mat, you may pray to him wid a thali in ur hand in a Mandir, its just Him. Why do we let the Maulvi or the Pujari or the Priest come in between us n Him.  He wants u to respect and honor the lives of others, as for example in Quran. The ayat says 'he who kills one kills the whole humanity' but the Maulvi from Sipah Sahaba says kill the others they are non believers. Who shall be followed? Its the word of Quran against a stupid low life CIA sponsored Osama or any of the similar breed. Its on us to hear them out or reject them out rightly.

In today's world I believe religion is the traumatized victim... people using it for their personal advantage or that of a particular group.It tries to rise above all the misconceptions and some of us drag it back again by doing something in name of religion that is exceedingly unfair to the others. It tries to voice itself through a few in society like Mansoor A.S and they have to face forfeiture pushing the religion further back to the dungeons. It now has to survive as a tormented slave in our society waiting for some of us to revive it back to its magnificently revered stature only to help the society back.

"yada yada hi dharmasya
glanir bhavati bharata
abhyutthanam adharmasya
tadatmanam srjamy aham" (Bhagwat Gita: Chapter Four verse 7)

"Sri Krishna said: Whenever and wherever there is a decline in virtue/religious practice, O Arjuna, and a predominant rise of irreligion—at that time I descend Myself, i.e. I manifest Myself as an embodied being."

And now why  I want people to adopt a religion so badly? Whats different with someone who holds no religion and someone who does, regardless of the religion they follow? And the difference between someone who follows a religion is its true essence and someone who just follows another humans tagged a particular religious brand?Someone who believes in the religion and someone who just holds the garb of it ? Answer to all these questions is accountability. Whether its self accountability, term it Karma, call it the Day of Judgement, concept of heaven or hell...but it stems from religion, setting ethical bounds for one. In  absence of reinforcement its difficult to maintain ethical composure. We as humans are slave of bounded rationality and we need logic to feed upon it. In my view religion is the basic source of that divine logic.

Khuda kya hai muhabbat sirf muhabbat bas muhabbat .....

Guilty as Charged...The wake up alarm that killed the snooze button and turned itself in has been found guilty on all accounts!

It such disheartening to find yourself back and that too without a change...blahety blah...but then I dont actually know myself so I cant actually know if I did change at all or not...weird thoughts..In an overlapping voice I can hear Vineet saying 'tumko koi andaza hai k tum kitna bolti ho?' and me replying 'ni' ...falling off the couch with that....

Only if this chat was bugged n they broadcasted every sound u made....mine would have gone like rattling rots of laughter throughout.....maybe he is true afterall, that I dnt act my age, but then, thats what I am, thats what I feel like, a kid trapped in body of an elderly person trying hard to escape, and when it cant, it just sits there and mocks the person...maybe Im trying to make up for the years I lost in between..... When I wasnt myself but trying to be someone else.

Anywayz, these few months I have been away some good friends have taken real good care of me...two of my best friends, and one of them Silent, reads this blog, knows how I have tortured him with my continuous talk nineteen to the dozen, trying to make sense out of various events that have taken place on national and international front.

Obama won elections....and no the world didn't end. Both of these are interlinked somehow in the greatest universal pattern of existence. What if Mitt Romney were elected?we would then have a latest Hollywood sensation Paul Ryan as a debutante in a never ending soap opera. Well atleast till the clash of titans....Miss him though,  was cute.

And yayyy....its going to be the first democratic govt. in Pakistan to complete its term. though my favorite Gillani was sent home by supreme court on an assault account. I remember then also bugging silent to death and cursing the Chief Justice like my 80 yrs old great grandma used to do....

A few shocking incidents, Delhi rape, I cant muster enough courage to talk about it even now, and Shahzaib murder case. Two incidents in two separate countries that altered the perception of societal integration of values. Garbled the state of evolution we supposedly were existing at. Something that gave us a reality shock, that there persists another world outside our warm living rooms that resound with laughter of kids and our frequent humming ..and that world is not only brutal and merciless but also completely anomalous to our kids.....I remember asking silent 'me apnay bachay kab tak bacha sakti hun' what will happen when I will have to introduce them to that world? when I will have to take em out of my wings n dole out to this monster....sooner or later I will have to do it...and there would be no recourse to it...before that happens, I have to change that world..make it a better place for my kids. Its like an investment policy we all  have to take to ensure the future well being of our kids....invest a little everyday, contribute towards the societal upheaval  in some manner, connect to that world outside our living rooms and try to help it out of its problems in ever meager way we can. Though derisory but its only these efforts that would assure a better world for our kids that we can open our doors to someday !

SAY HELLO TO YEAR 2013 :)

Catch - 22

To the aggravated disappointment of many  and pleasure of rest, I am not dead ! I was just a little inactive. ...and obviously on campus again. The only time I think about updating my blog is when I am running short of time on some important assignment. With that open in another window I keep on thuk thukaying the keyboard...and in the lab full of students, im the most thuk thukata person who seems to be raping the keyboard with full commitment. If my keyboard could speak I could have put together a new symphony of ooh..aah..ouchs...til it cried Khuda k liye bas kr now. 

Well, anything to drift my mind away from bitchy thoughts. Yes, I m gonna play again the villain as soon as them lot start presenting their research proposals....I dont want to do this though...but its like those weird wars inside ones own head that maybe Franz Kafika could write about and I cant write about. In short, Im going to do ''constructive criticism'' on my class mate's research proposals..''helping them'' to clarify their research direction and ''suggesting ''appropriate means of doing so by ''identifying'' suitable research techniques...Bullshit...Im doing it coz class participation got marks and the more I make them look bad the more I gain on my portfolio. B!tch ...hai na???  told ya....

How about bribing myself with a doughnut n a ribena? Im thinking, that may silence me for some time....Hah, it gets more complex now, engaging in a war within, reporting on it n presenting and accepting bribes to ones own self...calls for Kafika only..keep the reinforcement going guddi, I tell myself. There are so many people who do so much good to me, I should be able to reciprocate the society back....but then, it is actually helping them. Ignore my motives, still im going to only identify the flaws that are already there, nothing im creating by my own imagination....will though I woud still have to face the chitti kaali 'oh I hate u so much that I can burn you alive by just staring at you ' looks and 'Die Die Die' glares. Eve was so disappointed at being called to present before me last week that she finally voiced it..'the only group that is safe from HER is her blood group'. Oh well...

Being nice is boring.. I have been nice to them, but I want to do what I feel now...just being true to my own self...I feel so like the wicked witch in fairy tales, the one with a prada hat and a nose job turned bad....that is maybe the reason she would have given to herself...that she is being true to her self only, trying to fulfill her desires and not caring for a damned thing in the world.

The only difference in her and me is that despite my black heart and dark intentions, some do like me ..Norhim does, dunno why, he just assumed his position as a good friend, a brother,  a partner in crime,  as soon as we met. Then the Iranis of course.....they take pleasure in chanting my name aloud in chorus whenever they see me. Even if its in the class break, they would pretend they are meeting me after ages. One day while walking to the bank it occured to me that the group of protesters in front of GSM demanding the university to bring its tuition costs down were chanting my name...wth..!.now  I am responsible for the increase in costs of education also? then only I noticed it wasn't actually them, the voices were coming from  above, from the top floor of GSM, where the Iranis were hanging three fourth bodies down, calling my name. When I waved back at them , they changed the tune n started dancing to it.. :s and then of course there s Saif...the fat kiddo...a cute little guy who goes all starry eyes n melts down wid shyness whenever he sees me...I can swear at times I have seen him shrink at just my sight...cute lil smurf..!. Last but not the least Im the favorite foreigner of  the powerpuff gals ! They not only always offer me snacks n coffee at the break but also teach me all obscure words and vernacular slang in their native language.

so

maybe

now that I want to acheive a balance between my rational bitchy self and my irrational decent self, I can spare the ones I  like, but  Kavita bhenji, Francis and Eve u three are doomed. Kavita for standing next to Prof. in group photo when I had a crush on him, Francis for cheating from me in exam n yet securing better marks and Eve coz I want my victims to be in odd number...:P

Leaving now...gotta make a few people curse me :D     !!!SHOW TIME!!!