Catch - 22

To the aggravated disappointment of many  and pleasure of rest, I am not dead ! I was just a little inactive. ...and obviously on campus again. The only time I think about updating my blog is when I am running short of time on some important assignment. With that open in another window I keep on thuk thukaying the keyboard...and in the lab full of students, im the most thuk thukata person who seems to be raping the keyboard with full commitment. If my keyboard could speak I could have put together a new symphony of ooh..aah..ouchs...til it cried Khuda k liye bas kr now. 

Well, anything to drift my mind away from bitchy thoughts. Yes, I m gonna play again the villain as soon as them lot start presenting their research proposals....I dont want to do this though...but its like those weird wars inside ones own head that maybe Franz Kafika could write about and I cant write about. In short, Im going to do ''constructive criticism'' on my class mate's research proposals..''helping them'' to clarify their research direction and ''suggesting ''appropriate means of doing so by ''identifying'' suitable research techniques...Bullshit...Im doing it coz class participation got marks and the more I make them look bad the more I gain on my portfolio. B!tch ...hai na???  told ya....

How about bribing myself with a doughnut n a ribena? Im thinking, that may silence me for some time....Hah, it gets more complex now, engaging in a war within, reporting on it n presenting and accepting bribes to ones own self...calls for Kafika only..keep the reinforcement going guddi, I tell myself. There are so many people who do so much good to me, I should be able to reciprocate the society back....but then, it is actually helping them. Ignore my motives, still im going to only identify the flaws that are already there, nothing im creating by my own imagination....will though I woud still have to face the chitti kaali 'oh I hate u so much that I can burn you alive by just staring at you ' looks and 'Die Die Die' glares. Eve was so disappointed at being called to present before me last week that she finally voiced it..'the only group that is safe from HER is her blood group'. Oh well...

Being nice is boring.. I have been nice to them, but I want to do what I feel now...just being true to my own self...I feel so like the wicked witch in fairy tales, the one with a prada hat and a nose job turned bad....that is maybe the reason she would have given to herself...that she is being true to her self only, trying to fulfill her desires and not caring for a damned thing in the world.

The only difference in her and me is that despite my black heart and dark intentions, some do like me ..Norhim does, dunno why, he just assumed his position as a good friend, a brother,  a partner in crime,  as soon as we met. Then the Iranis of course.....they take pleasure in chanting my name aloud in chorus whenever they see me. Even if its in the class break, they would pretend they are meeting me after ages. One day while walking to the bank it occured to me that the group of protesters in front of GSM demanding the university to bring its tuition costs down were chanting my name...wth..!.now  I am responsible for the increase in costs of education also? then only I noticed it wasn't actually them, the voices were coming from  above, from the top floor of GSM, where the Iranis were hanging three fourth bodies down, calling my name. When I waved back at them , they changed the tune n started dancing to it.. :s and then of course there s Saif...the fat kiddo...a cute little guy who goes all starry eyes n melts down wid shyness whenever he sees me...I can swear at times I have seen him shrink at just my sight...cute lil smurf..!. Last but not the least Im the favorite foreigner of  the powerpuff gals ! They not only always offer me snacks n coffee at the break but also teach me all obscure words and vernacular slang in their native language.

so

maybe

now that I want to acheive a balance between my rational bitchy self and my irrational decent self, I can spare the ones I  like, but  Kavita bhenji, Francis and Eve u three are doomed. Kavita for standing next to Prof. in group photo when I had a crush on him, Francis for cheating from me in exam n yet securing better marks and Eve coz I want my victims to be in odd number...:P

Leaving now...gotta make a few people curse me :D     !!!SHOW TIME!!!

The Last Call!

Its been a few years I have been living in two alternate worlds. Sometimes the shift from one world to the other is easy, sometimes its hell lot of difficult. From past one year I think I have lost myself in transition. My thought processes are caught in the maze between the two worlds and I cant get myself out. I have lost friends to this, trust and any prospective relationships. I thought I lost all, but then if I did, I should have been able to pull myself out, yet I cant.

One world is the one I see as  real. It works like it should work. I have friends who dont lie to me, people who are trustworthy and truthful about themselves and everything works per the book. The other world is the alternate one. People close to me lie in this world. Deceit and treachery are common norms. No one even gets astonished at this, except from me. In my world, people are not bad. They are just mistaken. In the alternate world they are good, and I am bad. In the alternate world, all mistakes are my mistakes. I am responsible for everything every one does there, coz I bring them into my alternate world and I select the ones who make it as deceitful as it is. I keep on switching on n off  moving from one world to another in flicker of an eyelash. As soon as I faintly smell a lie, I step into my alternate world which is just made of lies, agony and pain. I dont live that lie only, but I live all lies over again, and I am losing myself to it. Entangled in strong ruse , my heartbeats slow down and my arms feel frail..... Its draining me of all my strength. All I have is the last call now....

Since long I have wanted to ask for help. For someone to hold on tightly to me and not let me wander to the other world, someone who vows never to lie and lives up to it,someone who does not have a secretive life, someone who does what he says he does, someone who keeps on reminding me he is genuine, all real.....

Just hold on to me please and not let me enter the alternate coz I fear when I enter it this time, I may never return.

Once upon a time.....

I don't believe in fairy tales anymore. I'm too old to be a part of a fairy tale anyways....the Fairy God Mother maybe, but definitely no one in the lead role. Still I could have believed in them even if for some one else's sake, but dunno why, now I just don't. What used to be my fascination once has now turned into back to back episodes of lurid veracity.

I don't think Cinderella actually did manage to marry the prince. I think prince just kept on believing the evil sister was the long lost love of his life, married her and never lived happily ever after. Whereas Cinderella was married off to an old duke, who had 3 all grown up and aged sons and she died of tuberculosis serving meals to that big family.

Similarly, Snow White still lies in coma, while her 7 brothers ponder upon removing her life support owing to financial constraints.

Rumplestiltskin I believe was just a gynecologist who got one delivery messed up, and though beauty did marry the geek, I mean the beast, but she could never actually fall in love with him...kept having extramarital affairs and eventually died in a sad car accident in Pont de la'Alma tunnel.

Ali Baba was simply a bigger and smarter thief than the gang of forty...was having an affair with Merjina out of his wedlock, and lied all along to hide both the facts. Rapunzel was a teenager forced to live with her punjabi grandma who was obsessed with long hair, and red riding hood never could make it to her grandmother's house....the poor grandma just lives in self deception.

Hansel and Gretal is sad...even the fairy tale was never able to justify what went on with the kids...and of course as I don't believe in the fairy tales anymore,.... I think they were two kids abandoned at birth, living in an orphan asylum, dreaming of going home. Sad nevertheless,....and painful too...facts twisted into some tales of early misfortune that later transform into a super happy ending, not by any logic, but by sheer magic. Leading us into expecting things which may never happen to us. We live our lives in hope of becoming  a part of these fairy tales at some point, and when that doesn't happen, we blame ourselves for not being good enough for it. Why I wrote this post? coz maybe my frog never turned into a prince....true....but then, I was never a princess myself....still.....going on kissing frogs doesn't  make much sense, does it?

The revelation!

I was hiding again. Getting up in the morning, doing the house chores, clean, clean, clean n clean again....cook something, then lie on the couch, lie on the bed in guest room, lie on the bed in the bedroom, lie on the carpet in front of the television, climb back on the couch n lie there. Hiding, not facing people. why?

No clue!!!

It was just as if something was going to happen....my heart counting beats to the moment when the glass walls will shatter.....Its better this way I keep telling myself and keep my head buried. Allah Rehem....I see massacres in Burma, I hear screams of Palestinian children, rehem, rehem... mourning voices chase me wherever I go....they become so loud that I lose my words, my senses at times....

I keep on having visions of  blood dripping from Qaddafi's  face..I don't recognize this man, I tell myself.... My television shouts Egypt , Iran all day..shows blood drained faces of people in Syria rehem malik rehem....I hear U.S threatening action against Iran, hear NATO warnings for Syria, U.K sponsoring non -lethal weapons to Syrian opposition, still my glass walls are intact.

I see tanks moving, drones on stand by. The shadow of death is lingering outside my windows, devouring everything with each passing moment....and the mourning voices have started again, someone save me from them...I shout and bury my face harder in the pillows. 

Now I'm afraid everything will fall apart but my glass walls will remain standing.....

Award???....U kiddin meh????

Ty for nominating me for the award….u ppl gave me smthng to do, revive my dead blog, which dunno why but feels good :)

11 Facts about myself:

1.  Unlike what some people believe about me, intelligent and all… Im pretty dumb at simple everyday things, took me 2 months to figure that in order to keep my small carpet in place I can place its corners under the sofa feet.

2.   Im a single mother trying to do the job of two, cursing myself at the end of the day at failing on so many  aspects.

3.    I have this insane belief that I can do anything and everything any place anytime….

4.   Its hard for me to shrug off any weird challenging thing that comes to my mind…like maybe going through a jungle in the mid of the night to get a McDonald’s. Il do it if my mind is set to it, no matter how absurd.

5.  I am the most shabbily dressed person in the neighborhood, but manage to look good occasionally when I want to. There are a few people who don’t even recognize me when im properly dressed.

6.  I like to crumble people by just looking at them, and I enjoy it thoroughly, though Im not aware myself how I do it.

7.  Im very soft at heart but turn completely otherwise when Im angry…all time baloch khopri…goli pehlay martay hain explanation bad me mangtay hain…

8.  Im a die hard romantic, though on a vacation from romance for a change…maybe a life long vacation now.

9.   I secretly aspire for big goals, but do not talk much abt them as I am a pseudo socialist.

10.   Overcritical of situations n people, I dnt judge, but do jot down my observatiions somewhere, and knowingly let people fool me coz I just cant see them embarrassed at their attempt.

11.   Im a good liar when I choose to lie.

Answers to IQ s questions:

1)      If I were a fruit, I would be a pineapple I guess.

2)      If I were a drink I would be tea.

3)      If I were a season, I would be autumn.

4)      Im not a gadget person, but if essentially I had to be one then Iguess il either be an i-pod or a steam iron.

5)      If I were a song I would be teray liye hai mera dil meri jaan by Junaid Jamshed.

6)      An animal, I would be a duck:)

7)      I love white so I guess I will be white when it comes to color.

8)      In the whole world, I would be rather at the couch sitting wid my legs hanging from the side of it, right in front of television, a cup of tea in my hand….at my mother’s house…PARADISE

9)      In materialistic things, I would like to have a televison with a cable connection….chota mind choti choti khawahishain…

10)   The bad habit I would like to get rid of is overcriticizing people, though I never let it affect our relationship, but as mentioned earlier I do jot it down somewhere…I would like to rather live in ignorance.

11)   If I were at IQ’s place, I would appeciate my desire to know more and go through variety of experiences blindfolded.

Multinomial Logistic Depression

(Me and Norhim, on the exam day)

Come il drop you to gsm on my Ferrari...

Where are you going?

Gsm...

Wow, the way you put things...

I know Im awesome...and I have a car that’s better than your boyfriend's.

My boyfriend? who?

There, that Irani...

How is he my boyfriend?

He qualifies....

He is an Irani....How does he qualify?

So many questions u ask gal ! 

Whatever.....

Why don’t you people take care of your cars? dents all over...your gals? other belongings? your chappal is about to break....Is that some sort of national behavior???

Gals ain’t belongings...

They are, most precious ones...your plants?

Hmm plants I dunno....

Everything else too...a beggar on street is a direct slap to the mayor's face, n you have enough to make him bleed to death...

Our Govt.  doesn’t work that way....our govt.  counters insider conflicts, party reconciliation, negative propaganda, armed coups, treacheries....till the end of term or tenure whichever is lesser, other issues remaining the same. ceteris paribus.

You dont make governments for social restructuring, eradication of unemployment, poverty alleviation, infrastructural and strategic reforms?

Nope.

We select legislative assembly so we could criticize it and hinder implementation of every move they take. Make money out of it, create issues that we can munch upon on national broadcasts, sell newspapers, have tea, discuss, great fun it is....

Funny it is...

Where is your car?

Right here...

That aint no Ferrari man.....

Well, its red....

Ek kudi jida naam muhabbat...gum hai gum hai gum hai

Ages since I am in search of love, ages since I havent found it....a part of me announces its defeat but  a part of me keeps looking for it still. In search of it I have been thorough the junctions of lust, flirt, infatuation, habit even marriage, but it still kept a far away thought, a dream never seen, a symphony never heard. I am well versed with the journey now. I know all the junctions. I know the routines. I know how flirt starts, know about infatuation, how it all gives way to lust, then fades away and burries its head in despair with time. I can predict the future of every person who vows for the journey through all these junctions, I just never reached the last junction. I know when and how it all will happen. I can share their destinies with destiny, yet im clueless about love. My journey has taken centuries to  question....what if there is no last junction?  What if lust, flirt, n all just generate the mirage of love.....what if the only thing there is journey itself?.....who will give my centuries back to me? who will cure my bare feet?