Another stupid suicide note..!

I was watching BBC with a cup of tea in my hand when I read about Jiah Khan's suicide in news headlines. My first reaction was doubtful circumstances. Who commits suicide like this?hanging from the fan..underworld ties maybe, like rest of the stars, that snapped back at her. She wasn't that famous anyways, but sexy yeah. I read and forgot, like we forget many news headlines...people committing suicide owing to poverty, women selling their kids to earn bread and butter for the rest of their siblings, road accidents due to negligence. In short, more of a don't care a fig sort of headline. 

When I went to chat in the evening, Nix asked me if I had heard abt Ziah...who is he?I asked..the bolly actress that worked in Housefull 2..Oh her...hmm ..I did hear about her suicide, don't know why she took that step though...Career debacle what else, Nix replied. But she didnt really make it big..like ever! If it was some A grade actress who had faced a downturn I can understand, but Jiyah...she was just another face, easily substitute able. Nix's silent exuded the words he uttered on my callous reaction and as a clone entered the room, the topic of discussion changed. Later, browsing the net I looked up Jiyah's story and got a recent update...a suicide letter submitted by her mother unveiling the cause of her death. Having nothing better to do, I started on that 6 page suicide letter.

So? why did u say u died? I read again..You committed suicide because...

You had been through certain severe incidences like rape and abortion. But that's long gone....and you did survive it all, right?

Your boyfriend cheated at u...dump that bastard...than die for him?

You couldn't make it as big as you wanted....Life didn't end, did it? You were 26 forsakes!!You still had your chance.

He didn't bring you any gift though you waited so long for him to come back...what???come again???

He was disrespectful to your family, didn't even meet your sister, while you would bring his sister presents from every trip...You stupid stupid gal...should have dumped himmmm You hearing me? should have dumped the fuckerrrrr..!

It doesn't make sense Jiyah. Its a stupid stupid suicide note...maybe all suicide notes are stupid but yes this is the WORST OF EM ALL.Your life was too precious to be wasted on a moron like him. You think they are repenting that they treated you like a door mat? They are cursing you more that you made their lives hell even after leaving this world. You think bollywood cares? You think we care?I care? Nobody does...You are gone and we have the habit of forgetting people who leave. You went without a fight..date rapes, abortions, failures, complicated relations are things many gals have to face in life, maybe every fifth one has gone through one or more of these. They don't die, they fight. Like Amanat fought. If given a chance, she would have grabbed life, not thrown it away. How many would have taken you as a gift of God for them, but it was only him that you wanted...He maybe you life Jiyah , but he wasn't worth your life hun.

I feel so agitated, so angry, as tears well up in my eyes...I am angry at her..I am angry at media glamorizing suicides...I'm angry at her family..why couldn't they tell she was being suicidal. This is a society where women live a generally unhappy life. They are molested  physically, socially and psychologically. They have to give a tough fight to just survive..few opt out, thinking its the easy way out..It appears stylish to kick the world goodbye than to cling to life like some spineless worthless creature....all that just cause they don't know what happens after they kick that chair under them, after they cut their wrists and let the blood gush out, after they drink it, swallow it, blow it.. I know what happens. Its this horrific excruciating  pain of life getting scalped out of your body drop by drop, breath by breath..They don't show it on television, they didn't show it in dirty picture, or in any other movie like that, coz they cant. They cant show the remorse of that one moment where you realize everything could have been taken better give more time...the longing for that one chance, last chance to cling on to life. The chance they never get..

Jiyah's eyes are closed like many others. People may never see that regret, that hunger of one moment in her eyes..that is what I fear. I want every person to look at that in order to realize the real worth of their lives.I had my chance, many don't.

Cling on to life like a beggar. Please. This is what I want to tell, shout it out to all who are listening...DO NOT GIVE UP...DO NOT DIE ..I don't want to read another stupid suicide note...plz don't die.

The ones who got away

Since I was a kid I planned my life with the assumption that I will be famous one day. I dnt recall giving it a deliberate thought why and how will I be famous, but the assumption persisted till maybe 8 years ago. I was always caught up in the decision of writing my own biography or making a movie on it, 16 yrs of age I decided I was going to do both.  My favorite pastime would be to re make songs and movie scenes in my mind, and later try to compare them with the actual ones. All that time convincing myself of my directorial abilities, preparing for the classic of all times.

Between then and now is reality. Im a nobody. All I ever had was my imagination. All Im left with is my perspective. I dnt want to make the movie anymore, or even write a book....but somewhere sometime when something reminds me of somebody, I do want to dedicate a chapter to them, as I had vowed earlier. The only problem is that I dnt seem to remember them . Names, faces, events all is blurred images only ..I see em as lights from some faraway car highlight a tree on the roadside for a minute, and then it sneaks back into darkness...I dnt knw what happened and what did not anymore. What I saw and experienced may never have happened, may have been a creative escape from reality is what jolts my mind and holds my hand. Writing it as real maybe a lie , writing it as fiction would be a dishonesty...but then, all reality is fiction itself.  People I have dedicated chapters to in my life may never have even existed is something that scares the hell out of  me. As I try to write about them I feel like Anna Olson, baking cookies of different shapes and sizes...thats all I do now...bake cookies, name them after the ones who got away...the ones I never even had a chance to call back. Im standing where they left me, trying to find my voice....silently baking my cookies..and throwing them away !