Thursday, 23 August 2012

The Last Call!

Its been a few years I have been living in two alternate worlds. Sometimes the shift from one world to the other is easy, sometimes its hell lot of difficult. From past one year I think I have lost myself in transition. My thought processes are caught in the maze between the two worlds and I cant get myself out. I have lost friends to this, trust and any prospective relationships. I thought I lost all, but then if I did, I should have been able to pull myself out, yet I cant.

One world is the one I see as  real. It works like it should work. I have friends who dont lie to me, people who are trustworthy and truthful about themselves and everything works per the book. The other world is the alternate one. People close to me lie in this world. Deceit and treachery are common norms. No one even gets astonished at this, except from me. In my world, people are not bad. They are just mistaken. In the alternate world they are good, and I am bad. In the alternate world, all mistakes are my mistakes. I am responsible for everything every one does there, coz I bring them into my alternate world and I select the ones who make it as deceitful as it is. I keep on switching on n off  moving from one world to another in flicker of an eyelash. As soon as I faintly smell a lie, I step into my alternate world which is just made of lies, agony and pain. I dont live that lie only, but I live all lies over again, and I am losing myself to it. Entangled in strong ruse , my heartbeats slow down and my arms feel frail..... Its draining me of all my strength. All I have is the last call now....

Since long I have wanted to ask for help. For someone to hold on tightly to me and not let me wander to the other world, someone who vows never to lie and lives up to it,someone who does not have a secretive life, someone who does what he says he does, someone who keeps on reminding me he is genuine, all real.....

Just hold on to me please and not let me enter the alternate coz I fear when I enter it this time, I may never return.

Thursday, 16 August 2012

Once upon a time.....

I don't believe in fairy tales anymore. I'm too old to be a part of a fairy tale anyways....the Fairy God Mother maybe, but definitely no one in the lead role. Still I could have believed in them even if for some one else's sake, but dunno why, now I just don't. What used to be my fascination once has now turned into back to back episodes of lurid veracity.

I don't think Cinderella actually did manage to marry the prince. I think prince just kept on believing the evil sister was the long lost love of his life, married her and never lived happily ever after. Whereas Cinderella was married off to an old duke, who had 3 all grown up and aged sons and she died of tuberculosis serving meals to that big family.

Similarly, Snow White still lies in coma, while her 7 brothers ponder upon removing her life support owing to financial constraints.

Rumplestiltskin I believe was just a gynecologist who got one delivery messed up, and though beauty did marry the geek, I mean the beast, but she could never actually fall in love with him...kept having extramarital affairs and eventually died in a sad car accident in Pont de la'Alma tunnel.

Ali Baba was simply a bigger and smarter thief than the gang of forty...was having an affair with Merjina out of his wedlock, and lied all along to hide both the facts. Rapunzel was a teenager forced to live with her punjabi grandma who was obsessed with long hair, and red riding hood never could make it to her grandmother's house....the poor grandma just lives in self deception.

Hansel and Gretal is sad...even the fairy tale was never able to justify what went on with the kids...and of course as I don't believe in the fairy tales anymore,.... I think they were two kids abandoned at birth, living in an orphan asylum, dreaming of going home. Sad nevertheless,....and painful too...facts twisted into some tales of early misfortune that later transform into a super happy ending, not by any logic, but by sheer magic. Leading us into expecting things which may never happen to us. We live our lives in hope of becoming  a part of these fairy tales at some point, and when that doesn't happen, we blame ourselves for not being good enough for it. Why I wrote this post? coz maybe my frog never turned into a prince....true....but then, I was never a princess myself....still.....going on kissing frogs doesn't  make much sense, does it?

Friday, 10 August 2012

The revelation!

I was hiding again. Getting up in the morning, doing the house chores, clean, clean, clean n clean again....cook something, then lie on the couch, lie on the bed in guest room, lie on the bed in the bedroom, lie on the carpet in front of the television, climb back on the couch n lie there. Hiding, not facing people. why?

No clue!!!

It was just as if something was going to heart counting beats to the moment when the glass walls will shatter.....Its better this way I keep telling myself and keep my head buried. Allah Rehem....I see massacres in Burma, I hear screams of Palestinian children, rehem, rehem... mourning voices chase me wherever I go....they become so loud that I lose my words, my senses at times....

I keep on having visions of  blood dripping from Qaddafi's  face..I don't recognize this man, I tell myself.... My television shouts Egypt , Iran all day..shows blood drained faces of people in Syria rehem malik rehem....I hear U.S threatening action against Iran, hear NATO warnings for Syria, U.K sponsoring non -lethal weapons to Syrian opposition, still my glass walls are intact.

I see tanks moving, drones on stand by. The shadow of death is lingering outside my windows, devouring everything with each passing moment....and the mourning voices have started again, someone save me from them...I shout and bury my face harder in the pillows. 

Now I'm afraid everything will fall apart but my glass walls will remain standing.....

Sunday, 5 August 2012

Award???....U kiddin meh????

Ty for nominating me for the award….u ppl gave me smthng to do, revive my dead blog, which dunno why but feels good :)

11 Facts about myself:
1.  Unlike what some people believe about me, intelligent and all… Im pretty dumb at simple everyday things, took me 2 months to figure that in order to keep my small carpet in place I can place its corners under the sofa feet.

2.   Im a single mother trying to do the job of two, cursing myself at the end of the day at failing on so many  aspects.

3.    I have this insane belief that I can do anything and everything any place anytime….

4.   Its hard for me to shrug off any weird challenging thing that comes to my mind…like maybe going through a jungle in the mid of the night to get a McDonald’s. Il do it if my mind is set to it, no matter how absurd.

5.  I am the most shabbily dressed person in the neighborhood, but manage to look good occasionally when I want to. There are a few people who don’t even recognize me when im properly dressed.

6.  I like to crumble people by just looking at them, and I enjoy it thoroughly, though Im not aware myself how I do it.

7.  Im very soft at heart but turn completely otherwise when Im angry…all time baloch khopri…goli pehlay martay hain explanation bad me mangtay hain…

8.  Im a die hard romantic, though on a vacation from romance for a change…maybe a life long vacation now.

9.   I secretly aspire for big goals, but do not talk much abt them as I am a pseudo socialist.

10.   Overcritical of situations n people, I dnt judge, but do jot down my observatiions somewhere, and knowingly let people fool me coz I just cant see them embarrassed at their attempt.

11.   Im a good liar when I choose to lie.

Answers to IQ s questions:

1)      If I were a fruit, I would be a pineapple I guess.

2)      If I were a drink I would be tea.

3)      If I were a season, I would be autumn.

4)      Im not a gadget person, but if essentially I had to be one then Iguess il either be an i-pod or a steam iron.

5)      If I were a song I would be teray liye hai mera dil meri jaan by Junaid Jamshed.

6)      An animal, I would be a duck:)

7)      I love white so I guess I will be white when it comes to color.

8)      In the whole world, I would be rather at the couch sitting wid my legs hanging from the side of it, right in front of television, a cup of tea in my hand….at my mother’s house…PARADISE

9)      In materialistic things, I would like to have a televison with a cable connection….chota mind choti choti khawahishain…

10)   The bad habit I would like to get rid of is overcriticizing people, though I never let it affect our relationship, but as mentioned earlier I do jot it down somewhere…I would like to rather live in ignorance.

11)   If I were at IQ’s place, I would appeciate my desire to know more and go through variety of experiences blindfolded.