The Graveyard where all my words rest in peace !

Some friends asked me today if I wrote a blog. I never wanted to tell anyone I did, but a few had already found it out somehow so I had to tell all. And when I was telling them I wrote, my inner self was laughing profusely at me. Words, my innerself pointed out me....words she wrote have no meaning, carry no weight....she never uttered the words she most wanted to.....she shunned those in herself like some terminal disease. And now she worships them. Words she will never get a chance to say again, offers her tears to all those words in compensation for expression, still not indemnifying.

Yes I admit, this is not the real me...writing , blabbering, claiming expression. The real me is still standing at the graveyard of words. My voice lost in silence of guilt, tears of expression in eyes im still mourning my dead words.

I felt those words yearning in my heart, felt warmth of their expression, conveyed feeling that they possessed, still never said them.  I write because this sinful silence is killing me every single second.

In a flashback I see the ICU of central Military Hospital. On the bed next to my son was an 8 yr old boy suffering from some haemorrhage disease. Prognosis negative, a doc told me..... a few days left. I looked at the pale face of the boy, and his blue hands n feet....somewhere turned black with internal bleeding. ''Madam ji aap bat kro baray doctor se....aap perhi likhi ho aap ki bat suntay hain....mera bacha kab tak theek ho jayega? kehtey hain karachi lay jao...lay to jaon per kaisay?us kay bhi paisay nhi...in ko bolo ji paisay maaf kr dein hum bad me lota dein gay...'' I had some money in my bag, I placed it silently near her, a brief pat on her shoulders and came back. Angrezi bolnay wali madam could never tell that simple woman that her son was dying.......that moment, I wanted to shout at her at the top of my voice....do something, he is dying.....do smthing....go pray.....beg, beg for his life...hold his hand tight..... place his head in your lap....they cant take him away from you if u never let them.....dont let them....dnt even blink  an eye or ur most precious one will be taken away by those merciless hands....just hold him, absorb his sight in your mind....trace his features so u may never forget them.........

Never uttered a word and came back. I knew she knew, but was in state of self denial. Maybe If I said all that to her, she wont have slept that night.......that extra hour.......those extra 10 mins.....she will never get those ever in her life..........the guilt kills me.......per me kahan se lati wo lafz jo aik maa ko bata sakain kay uska beta mer jayega.......meray sab lafz kho gaye thay us samay...shayed main bhi...

Another grave I stand by my eyes closed......I can hear myself....As a favour, you should always lie to me from now onwards....whenever I ask, u say u had loved me more than anyone. But thats true, I can hear him say...I have loved you more than all......Bullshit I wanted to say.....but never said it.  I will always be the way I am, me, you or no one can change it......and this is killing you I know....you can not survive it, no one can......for your sake, for sake of your happiness, ur life, we should seperate..........Bullshit......jo tumhari jagah hai wo sirf tumhari rahay gi.....Bullshit............ye tumhara bed hai...unme se koi yahan kabhi nhi..........Bullshit.........tum mujhay samajhti ho, sirf tum samajhti ho.........tumhain maloom hai yehi sahi hai....me nhi badal paonga aur tum seh nhi sako gi...bullshit......Mujhay maloom hai tum mujhay maaf kr do gi...me ne pyar kya tha khud ko baicha nhi tha............mujh se achi to prostitute hoti hain......me to muft me bik gyi...sirf muhabbat kay nam pe bik gyi....Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit !!!

Sab lafz meray ander dum tor gaye.........no one around, no one to help.....and in months, he called me once....when someone told him I had died in giving birth to his child, he called......called to confirm....must be an april fool joke, I said.....U think Im alive? ages since I havent breathed happiness.......... I could never say that.

Im afraid of the dark.....I cant live alone......I want someone around me....Never said it all. All my words gave up on me.

and then yesterday.........aur koi masla pareshani......I laughed ...laughed n laughed till I had tears in my eyes.....nhi kuch bhi nhi !!!

.....thy name is perfidy !!!

I havent been able to understand women...being one myself I can never believe the underlying logic of our actions. Impulses they say, true, but mostly we pretend to be acting on impulses. Whatever we do is all pre contrived. Im a woman too, I do it all too, but theres somethng in me continuously fighting this inborn urge to pretend and betray, still I end up only doing it all in a finer manner. But today im going to put an end to it by warning people what we are all about. Twister was nice in saying anyone could be a bitch, even men. Very polite of him, but mostly its only us. Except for a rare few, most of us fall in one or more categories. Myself I can easily classify in three of his categories.....abundance or WHATTTT!!!

For one thing, we are the most un grateful creatures on the earth.  On a date, most women would want their date to be just themselves....NOT REALLY !!! their definition of ''being themselves'' is nothing less than  a Brad Pitt in branded shoes and clothes, driving a luxury car, taking them to a five star with a seven course menu,and ofcourse  a person playing violin while they dine. Thats too much you would say...ah no.......we need them to bring a diamond ring too. And when and if they go down on their knees, we go like OMG, WHAT A WEIRDO...WHO PROPOSES ON FIRST DATE MAN???

Still I tell you, anything short of it, its not a good date. Talking about being un grateful, a simple looking plain girl with a little style and itsy bitsy titsies would go like....

About her best friend who loves her secretly:

He is always there for me....I feel like I can say anyyything to him and he would never judge me....he is such a sweetheart, meri saheli hai woh....but theres somethng so feminish about him na, being with a girl all the time and saying awww awww at whatever I say or do. He is funny and I feel protected with him, but romance??? NO WAY!!!

About a nice guy who asked her out on  a date:

What did he think? Me koi aisi wesi lerki hun kya!!!

About a random guy who was just being nice to her in parking lot by offering his parking space :

Lerki dekhi nhi aur lattooo ho gye....By God what a creep!!!!

About the guy she is about to dump:

He is just too possessive and I need my space and whats more zara bhi manly nhi hai .....papa se pocketmoney leta hai..... ...huh

About her flirtatious n bitching ex:

I dont think I can ever move on......just love him soooooo much.

AWWWW.....................

Telling you, we do not deserve sympathies. Tactfully we make the majority waive off their rights to us so we could enjoy our lives more.

The sole reason why we are descriminated against is that we want to be descriminated against. Ask any gal how shes doing...and she'd be either ...im toooooooo awesome.:D or Oh Im so tired...nothing in between, both asking for more attention, just in a different way. And they actually get the attention. The guy could be a fire fighter, working 8 hrs straight to fight a fire down, rescuing ppl, and still we go awww my baby to the gal who was tired coz she went shopping and and partying. =/

Read the descriminating facebook too n here I quote : The girl's status reads ''OMG I just love this new pink dress''....101 likes.....Boy's '' I just won Nobel prize'' 2 likes....of which one is he himself. Girl's status..''I wanna ride a bus one day'' comments : aww honey, take me wid u plzzzz ...Boy's '' I wanna ride a bus'' comment : conductor lag ja tu. Abbay ne cycle nhi ley k di to bus me hi jayega na kamina sala.

Trust a psychopath, a serial killer , maybe Bush too....but never trust a crying woman.  We are the strongest creatures on planet earth, hell yeah.. why wud we cry except for the time we want to do emotional atyachar on someone? Trust me, if a woman can give birth to a child , she can do anything in the world. I know many men, and none I think can ever be able to go for a delivery even if they wanted to. They are just too fragile for it....if u knw what I mean!

Similarly, never trust an over sweet one.......a gal with the other........meri jaaaan mwahhhh mwahhh...kahan theiiiiiiin? i  missed u soooooo much sweetoo.....after she leaves.....WHAT  A TWO FACED BITCH....exxxxcuse me?????

By the way, that classifies me as a traitor too.....in case something happens to me, u should know where to look for.

P.S dnt hate me all :(((  <smirrrrrrk>

My chocolate cream soldier !!!

It all started when I saw a dream from someones eyes......no wait, before I go to elaborate, be clear its again hallucinations. Though  I want it to be as real as is possible for God. And yeah Romey I will  see someone soon about my hallucinations..... where was I? yes....It all started when I saw a dream, some one else' s dream it was....I borrowed for a night....fields, sun setting smwhere behind, a river flowing, windmills I added myself, and air blowing my hair....the damsel in distress and the chocolate cream soldier......

A teenager, I read Arms and the man , and I was like if I was ever granted one wish, Il ask for a custom made chocolate cream soldier for myself.... years passed by never met anyone even close to it and when I had lost all hope,and thought  maybe the factory had shut down, mayb they dnt make em anymore....there he was...brewing storms... standing firm for his beliefs, fighting for his friends.

My Chocolate cream soldier.....beyond all standards, all limits......where I think all kindness ends there I see a  soft kindle in his eyes......where I think words cant wield the matter, there I see heart rending expression in his simple wrecked sentences.....when I think there ends all the care in the world, theres his compassionate embrace around my shoulders.

A soft voice reminding me, never delete me from your life no matter what happens, no matter how distant we grow,  be back in three days as if you went no where.....Heyy, my heart shouts, I get to say this, and u get to violate it. Thats the way it goes.....No, he says, we say this and we shall abide by it. Applies to u too? I ask in surprise, Me more is the answer.......

Hallucinations..............

We will cross the road together and with your gait of a lost goat juuuuuust when u are about to get hit by the car, il pull u bk n say...''Buddhiya andhi ho kya''?

Il carry balle on my back n run........we are gud together we dont need uuuuuuuu...

I want to be a millionaire to help the poor and needy. Wel rob a bank soon, and ul b my partner in crime.....says Robin Hood.

Seemingly hard, but melts at a touch.....my chocolate cream soldier.

All Hallucinations?

Nah...thori haqeeqat thora fasana.....but people like that do exist...somewhere in the world, People who know the meaning of love, passion,  kindness, care, benevolence and who stand firm against all adversity. Just look around ... 

All you positivists get a soul!!!

The age that we are living in the the age of reductionsim. We reduce dimensions on a positivist criteria. Sucks Big Time !!!

Positivism cant even define a human. All advancements in science and theory consider humans as an integrated set of mind and body. Flesh and thinking processes, replication of which is artificial intelligence. Thus, in a positivist regime, you are not allowed to have a soul, coz positivism cant account for a  soul.

I better be born in dark ages....

Khushiyon ki Home Delivery.... :D

The exact moment Dominos pizza was being delivered at my place I noted an ambulance by the next block. My heart sank. It was one of those days nothing was  turning out well. And anyways, how can the presence of an ambulance be an indication of something good happening there. Well it was.....

I saw a doctor hurry back to the ambulance with a small covered parcel in hand. I went over and ask him ..What happened here?.....BABY BOY  his reply came....and all of a sudden all the gloom in my heart flew away and I chuckled. It was so uncalled for that the doc first saw me in surprise then began laughing...We laughed like crazies.....ignoring the presence of others around, the pizza boy waiting with change, the new mom taken by surprise at our celebration, the worried father whose every wrinkle of face was fading away with each laugh and the neighbors hung on their reilings wondering what was going on there. The whole world faded away at that moment and we laughed till the mournful grey evening looked at us in awe and smiled herself......

Angels in Armani Suits

Romey says Im delusional and I should see a psychologist. Not the same words though, he has his polite way of putting it. At times, mostly he is crude and shrewed. Well as far as being delusional is concerned, I think he himself is delusional. Said I called u a shining star last night, now some people will take it as praise, but actually what he did call me was a washroom!!!! ''Oh ur name is so similar to a washroooooom,'' he said with a smirk.....huh.....DELUSIONAL!!!

But really, I see things. Things I cant explain. Things when I tell to someone their expressions are exact replicas of Romey's reaction. Like this guy whose number I got from an old half torn poster on a wall that read laundry service. Its the third time he has come in to pick my laundry. Now thats not out of ordinary. What is, is that the guy takes up my curtains n towels for $ 3 only, travelling half an hour on his Honda civic, with Italian model looks dressed in an Armani suit and Nike shoes,when he picks up my bags of laundry, I barely resist the urge of touching him to see if he really exists and asking him if he really is a laundry service boy. However I dont do that, of the fear of being slapped for one and him asking me if he wasnt a laundry wala why in the hell did I call him, for second. Well maybe next time I do get to touch him....lol....sounds naughty!!!.

Then theres this middleaged sweet looking angel, who is on the road solely for the purpose of facilitating me. Here I take baby's stroller out and BOOF !!! there she is....... to drop us off at the bank, wait for us and then take us back home.As soon as a car slows down behind me, I know either its the hump, or her. Weird comparison though.

The Nigerian guy, who helped me with danny when he got his finger hurt in glass door, called me by name....my first name......and when I asked, heyy, how do u know my name, i havent ever met u in my lifeee...he just smiled and took an elevator up. UP u see......

Then theres him. He has random nicks but mostly goes by verti. Always there. Always ready to help. Making us feel we can fall back on him whenever we like. Makes our world more accomodating and our risks less riskier. I may end up marrying my daughter to his son one day, that is how much I like him.

Silent. When wearing blue all over and whining no body loves me....who said the world was fair....blah blah...he goes on n say most wonderful things in the world like.....''Red , I can pay for your monthly digests''. and ''If nobody says I love you then dont worry, though u r not my type still I can say  I love u....'' The first one being more truely appreciated so much so that I managed a tear out of my ever dry eyes...NAH ..

And many more........ never leaving me alone...my angels, making this  world and life within easier and amicable for me.   {{{{{MY ANGELS}}}} with bald foreheads, armani suits and pot bellies...

When I was a child, I was always told an angel came n left me this and that. I used to get very angry then, because I came to know of angles only after they had left. Not now...... Now, when I see an angle , I get them by the smile on their face and the soft burning flames of kindness in their eyes, and I make a note of them in the secret red book of mine,  thanking them to be there for me. This post is a way of thanking them.

You too, take some time to think, identify and say thanks to your angels.....

Heil Headaches....

A headache is a two edged sword. Makes you go for the deepest plunges, the riskiest ventures and the darkest follies believing you'd be happy about them the next morning. While next morning all you can say is ''SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT''.

However, theres a good thing to it. It mutes the world down. You may see people misbehave, talk politics, be rude to your cat and all you do is not feel it but stash it down somewhere at the back of your mind for a later non headached review. That too, never happens. It gets all smoothered at the very first  lure of sleep.

Just shouldnt come univited....headaches I mean....Panadol with grapefruit juice is a nice idea since my sole intention is to drink the juice and leave tablet at bottom of the glass in semi dissolved non retreatable form, just like in childhood. Can still hear my mom saying...''Kya ho ga tera aik goli nhi nigli jati!!!''....mje nhi nigalna abhi...jan kay nhi...abhi kuch der aur duniya ko chup hi rehnay do!!!

Wednesday Blues werent as blue anymore !!!

Wohoa....today again another day full of all sorts of miserable humour. The teacher was late so i began taking in the class n my fellow mates....

The Iranis astonishingly now consider me as one of their own kind (dunno why) and are pretty concerned about me, which honestly scares me. Next time they ask if I was having any problem here , I would start digging in my bag or hide under the table. Hell, they not only smile at me most generously but also laugh at my jokes, which is more than what I could take from some handsome men least interested romantically in me.

Norhim, like always is too random in saying '' Hi '' even. Today also he said hi to my non existential, but somehow for Norhim present hubby. Then started talking to Sami aboout Akon, the way they both resembled by skin color n sexuality and yet had so different voices. I just hope momentary insanity doesnt take him over and he ends up researching that.

Chou like always choouuu na na choouu na na na, delivered an important message from the teacher which comprised of the fact that this lecture was going to be an important lecture ....DUH!!!

The kids of class (dumbest, ever eating ones) are sitting baffled. one saying to other  ''The words are okay..the mind is not''. OH YES IT AINT !!!.....I think she means to say she didnt get the concept. Their conversation, only when their mouths are free from chewing, goes like this...Can, one says...Can't, the other one says, Can  the first one insists, Cant the other one persists and it goes on and on till theres tea break. One of them is having a fling with this other gal, too much makeup and a neck permanently tilted to an angle where maybe she can see her own breasts if she decides to look down. Apparently it feels she thinks she looks hot wearing her neck n hair like this. My opinion??? She'd look hotter if she wasnt wearing her HEAD at all.

Cant see Safia today. The most obnoxious one. In her presence I feel if I had a downfall, I wont land on rock bottom, I will land on HER.

In the first row, Kavitaa.......
She has taken this animosity towards me which is reserved only for potential competitors. WTH woman, Im DUMB...

Oh My, The only two handsome guys in the class are also not present...Shucks!!! One I know will be hanging out with his girlfriend, the other with the girlfriend of his girlfriend.....Who said life was fair??? <sighs>

Having a  short session on reaserch, concluding early and  heading my way back  home through the dark jungle at 10 p.m, the man s silhouette in front of me is creating all sorts of hellucinations. This, I think cant be happening, cant be true. Its so unreal. Me here all alone with kids.... Who left me and who did I leave behind. How can a person be left behind and still leaving the other person??? But departures are bad, they make everything possible. I rub my eyes, still cant see who is the one walking in front of me , just shadows....shadows oh shadows....y do u never uncover it all at once, ages since you  have been giving way to just other shadows....

As the only upcoming car's headlights approach, I hear humming to my right...''OMG, u scared me ....thought u were just a vision!"..I said to my Irani neighbor walking past me n hurried inside the gates....................