The Graveyard where all my words rest in peace !

Some friends asked me today if I wrote a blog. I never wanted to tell anyone I did, but a few had already found it out somehow so I had to tell all. And when I was telling them I wrote, my inner self was laughing profusely at me. Words, my innerself pointed out me....words she wrote have no meaning, carry no weight....she never uttered the words she most wanted to.....she shunned those in herself like some terminal disease. And now she worships them. Words she will never get a chance to say again, offers her tears to all those words in compensation for expression, still not indemnifying.

Yes I admit, this is not the real me...writing , blabbering, claiming expression. The real me is still standing at the graveyard of words. My voice lost in silence of guilt, tears of expression in eyes im still mourning my dead words.

I felt those words yearning in my heart, felt warmth of their expression, conveyed feeling that they possessed, still never said them.  I write because this sinful silence is killing me every single second.

In a flashback I see the ICU of central Military Hospital. On the bed next to my son was an 8 yr old boy suffering from some haemorrhage disease. Prognosis negative, a doc told me..... a few days left. I looked at the pale face of the boy, and his blue hands n feet....somewhere turned black with internal bleeding. ''Madam ji aap bat kro baray doctor se....aap perhi likhi ho aap ki bat suntay hain....mera bacha kab tak theek ho jayega? kehtey hain karachi lay jao...lay to jaon per kaisay?us kay bhi paisay nhi...in ko bolo ji paisay maaf kr dein hum bad me lota dein gay...'' I had some money in my bag, I placed it silently near her, a brief pat on her shoulders and came back. Angrezi bolnay wali madam could never tell that simple woman that her son was dying.......that moment, I wanted to shout at her at the top of my voice....do something, he is dying.....do smthing....go pray.....beg, beg for his life...hold his hand tight..... place his head in your lap....they cant take him away from you if u never let them.....dont let them....dnt even blink  an eye or ur most precious one will be taken away by those merciless hands....just hold him, absorb his sight in your mind....trace his features so u may never forget them.........

Never uttered a word and came back. I knew she knew, but was in state of self denial. Maybe If I said all that to her, she wont have slept that night.......that extra hour.......those extra 10 mins.....she will never get those ever in her life..........the guilt kills me.......per me kahan se lati wo lafz jo aik maa ko bata sakain kay uska beta mer jayega.......meray sab lafz kho gaye thay us samay...shayed main bhi...

Another grave I stand by my eyes closed......I can hear myself....As a favour, you should always lie to me from now onwards....whenever I ask, u say u had loved me more than anyone. But thats true, I can hear him say...I have loved you more than all......Bullshit I wanted to say.....but never said it.  I will always be the way I am, me, you or no one can change it......and this is killing you I know....you can not survive it, no one can......for your sake, for sake of your happiness, ur life, we should seperate..........Bullshit......jo tumhari jagah hai wo sirf tumhari rahay gi.....Bullshit............ye tumhara bed hai...unme se koi yahan kabhi nhi..........Bullshit.........tum mujhay samajhti ho, sirf tum samajhti ho.........tumhain maloom hai yehi sahi hai....me nhi badal paonga aur tum seh nhi sako gi...bullshit......Mujhay maloom hai tum mujhay maaf kr do gi...me ne pyar kya tha khud ko baicha nhi tha............mujh se achi to prostitute hoti hain......me to muft me bik gyi...sirf muhabbat kay nam pe bik gyi....Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit !!!

Sab lafz meray ander dum tor gaye.........no one around, no one to help.....and in months, he called me once....when someone told him I had died in giving birth to his child, he called......called to confirm....must be an april fool joke, I said.....U think Im alive? ages since I havent breathed happiness.......... I could never say that.

Im afraid of the dark.....I cant live alone......I want someone around me....Never said it all. All my words gave up on me.

and then yesterday.........aur koi masla pareshani......I laughed ...laughed n laughed till I had tears in my eyes.....nhi kuch bhi nhi !!!