Catch - 22

To the aggravated disappointment of many  and pleasure of rest, I am not dead ! I was just a little inactive. ...and obviously on campus again. The only time I think about updating my blog is when I am running short of time on some important assignment. With that open in another window I keep on thuk thukaying the keyboard...and in the lab full of students, im the most thuk thukata person who seems to be raping the keyboard with full commitment. If my keyboard could speak I could have put together a new symphony of ooh..aah..ouchs...til it cried Khuda k liye bas kr now. 

Well, anything to drift my mind away from bitchy thoughts. Yes, I m gonna play again the villain as soon as them lot start presenting their research proposals....I dont want to do this though...but its like those weird wars inside ones own head that maybe Franz Kafika could write about and I cant write about. In short, Im going to do ''constructive criticism'' on my class mate's research proposals..''helping them'' to clarify their research direction and ''suggesting ''appropriate means of doing so by ''identifying'' suitable research techniques...Bullshit...Im doing it coz class participation got marks and the more I make them look bad the more I gain on my portfolio. B!tch ...hai na???  told ya....

How about bribing myself with a doughnut n a ribena? Im thinking, that may silence me for some time....Hah, it gets more complex now, engaging in a war within, reporting on it n presenting and accepting bribes to ones own self...calls for Kafika only..keep the reinforcement going guddi, I tell myself. There are so many people who do so much good to me, I should be able to reciprocate the society back....but then, it is actually helping them. Ignore my motives, still im going to only identify the flaws that are already there, nothing im creating by my own imagination....will though I woud still have to face the chitti kaali 'oh I hate u so much that I can burn you alive by just staring at you ' looks and 'Die Die Die' glares. Eve was so disappointed at being called to present before me last week that she finally voiced it..'the only group that is safe from HER is her blood group'. Oh well...

Being nice is boring.. I have been nice to them, but I want to do what I feel now...just being true to my own self...I feel so like the wicked witch in fairy tales, the one with a prada hat and a nose job turned bad....that is maybe the reason she would have given to herself...that she is being true to her self only, trying to fulfill her desires and not caring for a damned thing in the world.

The only difference in her and me is that despite my black heart and dark intentions, some do like me ..Norhim does, dunno why, he just assumed his position as a good friend, a brother,  a partner in crime,  as soon as we met. Then the Iranis of course.....they take pleasure in chanting my name aloud in chorus whenever they see me. Even if its in the class break, they would pretend they are meeting me after ages. One day while walking to the bank it occured to me that the group of protesters in front of GSM demanding the university to bring its tuition costs down were chanting my name...wth..!.now  I am responsible for the increase in costs of education also? then only I noticed it wasn't actually them, the voices were coming from  above, from the top floor of GSM, where the Iranis were hanging three fourth bodies down, calling my name. When I waved back at them , they changed the tune n started dancing to it.. :s and then of course there s Saif...the fat kiddo...a cute little guy who goes all starry eyes n melts down wid shyness whenever he sees me...I can swear at times I have seen him shrink at just my sight...cute lil smurf..!. Last but not the least Im the favorite foreigner of  the powerpuff gals ! They not only always offer me snacks n coffee at the break but also teach me all obscure words and vernacular slang in their native language.

so

maybe

now that I want to acheive a balance between my rational bitchy self and my irrational decent self, I can spare the ones I  like, but  Kavita bhenji, Francis and Eve u three are doomed. Kavita for standing next to Prof. in group photo when I had a crush on him, Francis for cheating from me in exam n yet securing better marks and Eve coz I want my victims to be in odd number...:P

Leaving now...gotta make a few people curse me :D     !!!SHOW TIME!!!

The Last Call!

Its been a few years I have been living in two alternate worlds. Sometimes the shift from one world to the other is easy, sometimes its hell lot of difficult. From past one year I think I have lost myself in transition. My thought processes are caught in the maze between the two worlds and I cant get myself out. I have lost friends to this, trust and any prospective relationships. I thought I lost all, but then if I did, I should have been able to pull myself out, yet I cant.

One world is the one I see as  real. It works like it should work. I have friends who dont lie to me, people who are trustworthy and truthful about themselves and everything works per the book. The other world is the alternate one. People close to me lie in this world. Deceit and treachery are common norms. No one even gets astonished at this, except from me. In my world, people are not bad. They are just mistaken. In the alternate world they are good, and I am bad. In the alternate world, all mistakes are my mistakes. I am responsible for everything every one does there, coz I bring them into my alternate world and I select the ones who make it as deceitful as it is. I keep on switching on n off  moving from one world to another in flicker of an eyelash. As soon as I faintly smell a lie, I step into my alternate world which is just made of lies, agony and pain. I dont live that lie only, but I live all lies over again, and I am losing myself to it. Entangled in strong ruse , my heartbeats slow down and my arms feel frail..... Its draining me of all my strength. All I have is the last call now....

Since long I have wanted to ask for help. For someone to hold on tightly to me and not let me wander to the other world, someone who vows never to lie and lives up to it,someone who does not have a secretive life, someone who does what he says he does, someone who keeps on reminding me he is genuine, all real.....

Just hold on to me please and not let me enter the alternate coz I fear when I enter it this time, I may never return.

Once upon a time.....

I don't believe in fairy tales anymore. I'm too old to be a part of a fairy tale anyways....the Fairy God Mother maybe, but definitely no one in the lead role. Still I could have believed in them even if for some one else's sake, but dunno why, now I just don't. What used to be my fascination once has now turned into back to back episodes of lurid veracity.

I don't think Cinderella actually did manage to marry the prince. I think prince just kept on believing the evil sister was the long lost love of his life, married her and never lived happily ever after. Whereas Cinderella was married off to an old duke, who had 3 all grown up and aged sons and she died of tuberculosis serving meals to that big family.

Similarly, Snow White still lies in coma, while her 7 brothers ponder upon removing her life support owing to financial constraints.

Rumplestiltskin I believe was just a gynecologist who got one delivery messed up, and though beauty did marry the geek, I mean the beast, but she could never actually fall in love with him...kept having extramarital affairs and eventually died in a sad car accident in Pont de la'Alma tunnel.

Ali Baba was simply a bigger and smarter thief than the gang of forty...was having an affair with Merjina out of his wedlock, and lied all along to hide both the facts. Rapunzel was a teenager forced to live with her punjabi grandma who was obsessed with long hair, and red riding hood never could make it to her grandmother's house....the poor grandma just lives in self deception.

Hansel and Gretal is sad...even the fairy tale was never able to justify what went on with the kids...and of course as I don't believe in the fairy tales anymore,.... I think they were two kids abandoned at birth, living in an orphan asylum, dreaming of going home. Sad nevertheless,....and painful too...facts twisted into some tales of early misfortune that later transform into a super happy ending, not by any logic, but by sheer magic. Leading us into expecting things which may never happen to us. We live our lives in hope of becoming  a part of these fairy tales at some point, and when that doesn't happen, we blame ourselves for not being good enough for it. Why I wrote this post? coz maybe my frog never turned into a prince....true....but then, I was never a princess myself....still.....going on kissing frogs doesn't  make much sense, does it?

The revelation!

I was hiding again. Getting up in the morning, doing the house chores, clean, clean, clean n clean again....cook something, then lie on the couch, lie on the bed in guest room, lie on the bed in the bedroom, lie on the carpet in front of the television, climb back on the couch n lie there. Hiding, not facing people. why?

No clue!!!

It was just as if something was going to happen....my heart counting beats to the moment when the glass walls will shatter.....Its better this way I keep telling myself and keep my head buried. Allah Rehem....I see massacres in Burma, I hear screams of Palestinian children, rehem, rehem... mourning voices chase me wherever I go....they become so loud that I lose my words, my senses at times....

I keep on having visions of  blood dripping from Qaddafi's  face..I don't recognize this man, I tell myself.... My television shouts Egypt , Iran all day..shows blood drained faces of people in Syria rehem malik rehem....I hear U.S threatening action against Iran, hear NATO warnings for Syria, U.K sponsoring non -lethal weapons to Syrian opposition, still my glass walls are intact.

I see tanks moving, drones on stand by. The shadow of death is lingering outside my windows, devouring everything with each passing moment....and the mourning voices have started again, someone save me from them...I shout and bury my face harder in the pillows. 

Now I'm afraid everything will fall apart but my glass walls will remain standing.....

Award???....U kiddin meh????

Ty for nominating me for the award….u ppl gave me smthng to do, revive my dead blog, which dunno why but feels good :)

11 Facts about myself:

1.  Unlike what some people believe about me, intelligent and all… Im pretty dumb at simple everyday things, took me 2 months to figure that in order to keep my small carpet in place I can place its corners under the sofa feet.

2.   Im a single mother trying to do the job of two, cursing myself at the end of the day at failing on so many  aspects.

3.    I have this insane belief that I can do anything and everything any place anytime….

4.   Its hard for me to shrug off any weird challenging thing that comes to my mind…like maybe going through a jungle in the mid of the night to get a McDonald’s. Il do it if my mind is set to it, no matter how absurd.

5.  I am the most shabbily dressed person in the neighborhood, but manage to look good occasionally when I want to. There are a few people who don’t even recognize me when im properly dressed.

6.  I like to crumble people by just looking at them, and I enjoy it thoroughly, though Im not aware myself how I do it.

7.  Im very soft at heart but turn completely otherwise when Im angry…all time baloch khopri…goli pehlay martay hain explanation bad me mangtay hain…

8.  Im a die hard romantic, though on a vacation from romance for a change…maybe a life long vacation now.

9.   I secretly aspire for big goals, but do not talk much abt them as I am a pseudo socialist.

10.   Overcritical of situations n people, I dnt judge, but do jot down my observatiions somewhere, and knowingly let people fool me coz I just cant see them embarrassed at their attempt.

11.   Im a good liar when I choose to lie.

Answers to IQ s questions:

1)      If I were a fruit, I would be a pineapple I guess.

2)      If I were a drink I would be tea.

3)      If I were a season, I would be autumn.

4)      Im not a gadget person, but if essentially I had to be one then Iguess il either be an i-pod or a steam iron.

5)      If I were a song I would be teray liye hai mera dil meri jaan by Junaid Jamshed.

6)      An animal, I would be a duck:)

7)      I love white so I guess I will be white when it comes to color.

8)      In the whole world, I would be rather at the couch sitting wid my legs hanging from the side of it, right in front of television, a cup of tea in my hand….at my mother’s house…PARADISE

9)      In materialistic things, I would like to have a televison with a cable connection….chota mind choti choti khawahishain…

10)   The bad habit I would like to get rid of is overcriticizing people, though I never let it affect our relationship, but as mentioned earlier I do jot it down somewhere…I would like to rather live in ignorance.

11)   If I were at IQ’s place, I would appeciate my desire to know more and go through variety of experiences blindfolded.

Multinomial Logistic Depression

(Me and Norhim, on the exam day)

Come il drop you to gsm on my Ferrari...

Where are you going?

Gsm...

Wow, the way you put things...

I know Im awesome...and I have a car that’s better than your boyfriend's.

My boyfriend? who?

There, that Irani...

How is he my boyfriend?

He qualifies....

He is an Irani....How does he qualify?

So many questions u ask gal ! 

Whatever.....

Why don’t you people take care of your cars? dents all over...your gals? other belongings? your chappal is about to break....Is that some sort of national behavior???

Gals ain’t belongings...

They are, most precious ones...your plants?

Hmm plants I dunno....

Everything else too...a beggar on street is a direct slap to the mayor's face, n you have enough to make him bleed to death...

Our Govt.  doesn’t work that way....our govt.  counters insider conflicts, party reconciliation, negative propaganda, armed coups, treacheries....till the end of term or tenure whichever is lesser, other issues remaining the same. ceteris paribus.

You dont make governments for social restructuring, eradication of unemployment, poverty alleviation, infrastructural and strategic reforms?

Nope.

We select legislative assembly so we could criticize it and hinder implementation of every move they take. Make money out of it, create issues that we can munch upon on national broadcasts, sell newspapers, have tea, discuss, great fun it is....

Funny it is...

Where is your car?

Right here...

That aint no Ferrari man.....

Well, its red....

Ek kudi jida naam muhabbat...gum hai gum hai gum hai

Ages since I am in search of love, ages since I havent found it....a part of me announces its defeat but  a part of me keeps looking for it still. In search of it I have been thorough the junctions of lust, flirt, infatuation, habit even marriage, but it still kept a far away thought, a dream never seen, a symphony never heard. I am well versed with the journey now. I know all the junctions. I know the routines. I know how flirt starts, know about infatuation, how it all gives way to lust, then fades away and burries its head in despair with time. I can predict the future of every person who vows for the journey through all these junctions, I just never reached the last junction. I know when and how it all will happen. I can share their destinies with destiny, yet im clueless about love. My journey has taken centuries to  question....what if there is no last junction?  What if lust, flirt, n all just generate the mirage of love.....what if the only thing there is journey itself?.....who will give my centuries back to me? who will cure my bare feet?

Love u woman

A haircut would freshen up my looks, what do u think? I love it when your hair go curl softly at your shoulders.. at times I dnt want u to dress up, so I could see thm drying in whirls on your bare shoulders blades..hmm...pagal buddha....guess I should go for streaks or something, add some color here n there...and these eyebrows....you dnt need anything there, I love the natural arched shape...they give me a sharp look...then I love ur sharp look, dont dare touch them... gals envy brows like you....and when did u meet those gals who envy brows like me?...nvm...Tell u what, saw that weight reduction clinic at mines...you know they charge? nothing for the first treatment, and 4 inches off from wherever you want it...hell, I adore your proportions, u could work in the ad of silicon implants....not from there obviously, I meant all that flab...lemme bite at it....lol...go awayyy....no , really, one bite...wont stop there u know....what if then I wanna do u? u always wanna do me:P oh yeahhh...

But u look awesome like that...homely, comfortable, soft, sweet...Im 4 kgs overweight....I dont want a ramp model I cant snuggle with on a sofa...why you dont want me to look better? because u look amazing...u dont need to hide that smile of yours its my life, nothing in the world could look better on your eyes than the gleam you wear, at times naughty, planning some mischief, sometimes comfortingly compassionate, like sunshine, brightening every thing in life . I so wanna kiss u right now :P Aaa paas tujhay bataon.... per such mein, no foundation can do to your skin what a little peck on your cheeks do...

You know this tan you wear, just shows how much you care for the ones that you go out for in blazing scorching sun...your hair tied up reminds me you woke up early and since then got no time to brush your hair. Your hands with little knife bruises are better than any manicured ones in the world, that absorb all my fatigue with just one caressing touch. I dont need to see you in a flowing evening gown to feel romantic... I just go crazzzy when u smile at me with a wink….feel like pinning u to the wall n smooochhhh...lolz shut up..u don’t exist.

Yep, he doesnt exist but why not? Why cant women be loved like that? Why do we have to excel or think about excelling all the time? Better looks, better figures, better care, more work, why on earth do we feel it will render us security? will guarantee love from the ones we love unconditionally? You want to look better…look better for yourself, not for anyone else….coz its YOU who gave birth to love and everything else :)))

Facebook the dispatch rider of affcetion and care...

Facebook triggers lots of debate on its utility. For me however its an exceptional thing that gives all my friends and family the power to wake me up from deep slumber, poke me, kick me, nudge me, while I remain my always bobby don’t care much self, though inside somewhere I am glad I got to know they were still alive n kicking it.

Another thing that inspires me about online connections is the conflict in social statures of people and their vocal personalities. The vocal personality of a person is a term I designed to refer to what a person projects online. I believe it to be a better predictor of people’s real personality than the real life silhouette, because it lacks the all time obligatory social conformation as a result of a dialogue. Facebook is like addressing the mass audience, project yourself just the way you would like to project yourself. Some of you will call it deception. I call it real self. Everyone would project themselves to be what they would have wanted themselves to be, which tells a lot about them. More real therefore are the virtual lives of people, because there we can always be what we wanted to be. The most sincere expression of ourselves, our desires, our aspirations. Il write about the clash sometime. But for now I just want to tell you how facebook delivers love for me…..have a look at some of the messages I got in just one day……Itna variety to Umro ayyar ki zambeel mein bhi nhi milay gi....her maal bhara para hai.....

Monica   : U still at the asylum?

Shehzadi : Guddi tu single hai to bol, mera suser free hai aaj kal....

Manna : Stop liking your own posts :P

Fahad  : Laal chuneriya wali koi meray gher bhi lao....mein kunwara kab tak baithun band mera bajwao...meri shadi kerwao..... meri shadi kerwao.......

Reza : Israel is 64 now thanks to western life support and I hate the research methods teacher.

Amay  : Please support my Amma wapis kro movement.This wicked roguish girl Maria who happens to be my sister, has abducted my mom to islamabad and has made her forget her lil one whoz miles away. Call Maria NOWWWWW, ask her to send mom back :( I MISS MOM send her back...or its a war..!!! :@ :P

Maria  : Mom is saying the brick u have in name of mobile phone usay apnay sir me mar lay :)

Ibi : I asked you not to join my Fb...hell , whats the fun in stalking your own family?

Saim  : Phone ki bell kharab hai ya aapka dimagh?

Sarah : Agar... aaj rat... 8 bjay tak....mujhay call na kiya...... to talak talak talak.

Asim : Zinda ho....?

Ali :Tell pa if I want a black bathroom , I want a black bathroom, not a faun one with a hint of black in every 3rd tile....just BLACK

Maria : Moms worried about you, said u looked pale...so next time u see her on skype have mercy on us all ...APPLY SOME MAKEUP FOR GODSAKES!!!

Well, some of these cant really be called affectioate, but still coming from the sample of the dayyyy..... the good thing is that no matter how heavy, how light hearted, how crazy is the message....its delivered by the courier in 3 secs:)

P.S Stop poking me u all.....

Aakhri padao

(Un musafiron kay nam jinhain raastay nigal gye)

Choti thi to kahani kay liye zid kerti thi
maa  kehti thi dopahar ko kahani sunayein to musafir rasta bhool jatay hain
mein kab se chalti ja rahi hun
musafat hai keh berhti ja rahi hai
katati ja rahi hai zindagi
magar rasta hai keh utna hi para hai
na aasra koi na aashna koi
na humsafar na rehnuma
kuch aisay log bhi hain jin ki kismet mein na manzil hai na umeed e manzil
jisay manzil samajhtay hain wo padao hi nikalta hai
chor kay jana perta hai
mein her aik padao pe kuch aansu bahati hun
apnay jism ka aik hissa peechay chor ati hun
kisi anay walay ko shayed kabhi mera nishan milay
mein katatay katatay puray qad se bona ho gyi hun
kohniyon aur ghutnon kay bal ghasitati zindagi
aglay padao tak kabhi na pohanch paye gi
ab faqat ik iltija hai
wo jo kahin kahani suna raha hai
usay kaho keh ab mein zid nhi kerti
bas kuch der ko khamosh ho jaye
mein behad thak chuki hun
mujhay ab bas yehein aram kerney dey.......

Mein nhi manti :P

Mein nhi manti.....
rasm ko rivaj ko
apnay banaye huay samaj ko
hath ki lakeeron ko
miteti badalti tasweeron ko
aankh kay nazaron ko
taqdeer kay sitaron ko
nahi manti mein
keh meri aankhon mein ab aansu hi rehna chahiyen
keh meray chehray pe soch ki lakerain hi meri izzat ka saman  hain
keh meri mang mein ab sitaray nhi chamkain gay
keh mein khilkhila kay hans paron to ye kainat chaunk jaye gi
hairat se apni ungli danton mein daba lay gi
aur agar aisa hai........
to mujhay isay neend se jaganay do
mujhay muskuranay do
mujhay apnay chehray pe soch ki lakeer nhi
aankh kay neechay gal pe til acha lagta hai
muskuratay lab danton me daba kr bat kerti hun
to duniya sochnay lagti hai
ye do bachon ki maa hai aur aankhon mein sharart kot kay bhari
sarak pe stroller kay sath bachon se race lagati
hansti
khilkhilati
chehray pe lagi ice cream chatati to kabhi zor se gungunati
ye kaisi do bachon ki maa hai?
isay ranjeeda bepanah hona chahiye
iski hasti fana hona chahiye

to sun lo duniya kay thekedaro
mein nhi manti keh meri zindagi wo aik saya tha jo juda ho gya
mein nhi manti keh us kay sath mera wajud fana ho gya
meri aankhon mein jab tak roshni hai
mein tum ko jhutlati rahungi
mein muskurati rahun gi......................:)))

Domain name Love is not available !

I havent told you, but have moved your pictures from My Own folder to Pictures only....have blocked you from skype.....and have deleted your number from my phone contact list.

Today I have not tried enlarging your pic to see my reflection in your eyes,......Today I have not updated my FB status as a song dedicated to you, the first day I wont be up at 4.00 a.m to talk to you, today I told you we all were humans and I forgive you for being with her. Today I am not going to say I love you before I go to sleep....

Il talk to you meri jaan, Il laugh with you, Il kiss you, Il hug u, Il bug u ,  even  will joke to you about her, but I will never say that three word sentence again that starts from an I and ends at a You....Today is the first day that I have started using this smiley :)......and the first day I have started lying to you............

The echo of that undying laughter !!!

I have always wanted my life to be a tea house evening, where people can just be themselves, voice their opinions,chat around, have fun and never leave. Never leave is the most important part. Shall never leave....they can just move around....maybe to some other room, but on the table, thier cups placed, the burning cigarettes in ash tray, the chairs pulled back, they are destined to return. Even those who left for good, havent really left the coffee house, the feel of their presence still lingers in there as if some guest had left  dunhill aroma hanging in the room.

One of these pulled back chairs is of Haroon mamoon. Why cant u say my proper name? he used to say....Haw maw keh k chup ho jati hai chudail....

The most cheerful person I had ever seen in my life. Derived fun out of every single moment, living life to its fullest...even passed away smiling..... A criminal lawyer by profession, he was by far more colorful than black and white. Every month created new issues. Controversies following him everywhere like some celebrated child. What has happened now? My father would ask my mother....Nothing, Haroon slapped a judge....contempt....mooney is trying hard to tackle  it. Always the same story. Haroon , the younger brother will create trouble and Permoon, the elder one will try to manage it somehow and deal with the mess. Both complete opposites of each other, the elder a civil lawyer, rich , well connected, an obedient son, a total contrast to Haroon, who was very cheerful and loving but never knew the right way to express himself. Too emotional for words....and most of the time short of money, life exuded all its charm and joys personified as him.

We were eight cousins, him having one in his lap while driving the car, kuki aunty having another in her lap a total of 10......and he would do 360 degrees in front of our school. Would shout names of all kids from above the gate even before the school was off, and kept shouting till the kids gave him response individually from every class and run off to him even before the bell rang. Once we would come out, he would say come on ....double up, bubble up seven up....and wel all fit in the car in seconds.....no use though, we always got home late, as most of the time, we would be chasing one woman or the other in the car. He would chase down women in burqa and screech at their heels, many a times some fled out of the burka...all for a simple childlike laugh....

I used to see him give 500 out of his pocket, mayb the last ones left, to a beggar. Nothing in the world can replace this look of sheer joy and surprise on his face , he would say. That was when I learned how to let someone live a second , a minute of your life for the mere joy of it.

A friend more than a father to his children, I dnt allow them to talk unless they swear multiple times in a sentence. Im making them learn their mother language punjabi ....no good widout swearing.....He always gave special importance to his daughter Jella as he called her.....mujhay ishq hai is sabz aankhon wali sey ....Even when she was doing her masters in the University and he was teaching there in Law department, they would walk arm in arm in the campus like two love birds Aik  amman, doosri kuki, teesri jella, chothi teri maa.....

Always asking grand ma if he was the nicest of them all.....Amman mein sab se acha hun na...mooney, memi, jonny, rani sab se acha na? Haan tu mera sab se acha beta hai shed say.....

sab se chota sab se acha sab se ladla ab khush....bs zara badtameez hai , thora nak cherha, thora..... To amman sen fir 9 chak wali zameen apnay nam samjhun???...hath kamina.....phuphiyon pe gaya hai puray ka pura.....

Last days, I never knew those were the last ones...heard him saying to mom.....rani ye mooney sari zindagi sab se acha beta bana raha, sab se acha lawyer...sab se acha insan...mein is jaisa banay ki koshish kerta tha per kabhi ban nhi paya....aur ab kameena sab se acha bhai bhi ban gya...hitler kay mujh pe itna ehsan hain k agar kahay haroon sari zindagi aik tang pe kharay ho kay nacho to mein nachunga....shhhh mom said bhai hai....ehsan kaisa

His last day all were around him.....Grand ma 's sister whos a doc also holding his hand....I remember him saying...beeshy sharam kro, khud qabar mein paon latkaye baithi ho aur mujh pe ro rhi ho.....then all of a sudden he started saying Kalima and left us all crying. In a few seconds, a long story of unfulfilled desires  saw its end, him stepped out, abandoning all his dreams in a flick of a second. The ordinary yet not so ordinary life of an extraordinary person...The one who taught me how to face adversity with a smiling face and no harm in slapping it at times too....The one who told me the cure to your aching heart only lies in curing others hearts....The one who laughed all his worries away in smoke of his cigarettes. Who taught me a very non serious non realistic approach towards life that always worked.... the only way it should be he said. All his words, the cheerful voice echoing in my mind still....bringing my tea house to life his laughter still lingers there and the way he would say haye thak gya after a series of continuous laughs often makes me smile again.

Days after, I kept on thinking what was it....where had I seen that smile that his lips carried when he departed.....but could never  place it. It was just yesterday when looking at some pics I remembered where I had seen that smile before.....and I knew exactly what it was, the contentment he looked for all his life, he found that in his last moments......

Amman mein sab se acha beta hun na? Han han tu mera sab se acha beta hai....ab Khush?

(In memory of my late Uncle , May he rest in Peace)

Kingkong and fried bananas!

Enough of the serious thoughts, lets come back to life with Norhim on the next seat....Yes, Norhim the most unbelievably random person I have ever met in my life.......my class mate. The fact that he is an engineer doing Ph.D in Human Resource Management is enough to reflect on the sort of character he is. This is a tribute to him. 

My interaction with Norhim  which he terms as intimate (dunno y..I swear I never flirted with him in the least sense of the word) is a perceivable outcome of my love for sitting at the last seat in the class which incidentally is nearby the electrical socket and Norhim's need to log in on facebook and charge his mobile to do pervert chat with his wife. She is asleep when I finally manage to reach home he says....Here are a few quips from our most intelligent discussions, my contribution to which is always restricted to Oh, is it....yes and no. Rest  I always speak silently in my heart.

I know you are intelligent....I can see it from the way you eat chocolate and lick the wrapper even when theres most serious topic under discussion in class.,,,,if licking the wrapper makes u intelligent, u can lick it once i eat all the chocolate...see and u r generous too :)

Hey all, she is a double masters.. and her father is a cabinet minister.....double masters oh yeshh.....cabinet minister? u insane??????

I will once come to Pakistan and make a documentary on tamil tigers.....but we dont have tamil tigers.....then khalistani gorillas....we dont have Khalistan Gorillas too.......King Kong????

I am still single....u r married norhim....no but at times she makes me sleep on a single bed...that renders me as single...I can marry three more times in different nationalities so I could have beautiful and Intelligent kids, a well diversified portfolio....U free for drinks tonight?

 

Coconut tree has a different male and female. So when its mating season......they show them porn.

Hey Siti, when are u divorcing your present hubby....u think Im mad....y in the hell would I divorce him?

Il kill him.....

Where were u? never dare to go to library alone....there are bad spirits there, take me along.....Im worse :D Oh Yeahhhh

U still firm about not having drinks? 
dinner?
fried bananas?????

At every dinner gong  we heard,,,,,,,,,,,,,,. Follow me my angel......What the....Ok lets go !!!

The Graveyard where all my words rest in peace !

Some friends asked me today if I wrote a blog. I never wanted to tell anyone I did, but a few had already found it out somehow so I had to tell all. And when I was telling them I wrote, my inner self was laughing profusely at me. Words, my innerself pointed out me....words she wrote have no meaning, carry no weight....she never uttered the words she most wanted to.....she shunned those in herself like some terminal disease. And now she worships them. Words she will never get a chance to say again, offers her tears to all those words in compensation for expression, still not indemnifying.

Yes I admit, this is not the real me...writing , blabbering, claiming expression. The real me is still standing at the graveyard of words. My voice lost in silence of guilt, tears of expression in eyes im still mourning my dead words.

I felt those words yearning in my heart, felt warmth of their expression, conveyed feeling that they possessed, still never said them.  I write because this sinful silence is killing me every single second.

In a flashback I see the ICU of central Military Hospital. On the bed next to my son was an 8 yr old boy suffering from some haemorrhage disease. Prognosis negative, a doc told me..... a few days left. I looked at the pale face of the boy, and his blue hands n feet....somewhere turned black with internal bleeding. ''Madam ji aap bat kro baray doctor se....aap perhi likhi ho aap ki bat suntay hain....mera bacha kab tak theek ho jayega? kehtey hain karachi lay jao...lay to jaon per kaisay?us kay bhi paisay nhi...in ko bolo ji paisay maaf kr dein hum bad me lota dein gay...'' I had some money in my bag, I placed it silently near her, a brief pat on her shoulders and came back. Angrezi bolnay wali madam could never tell that simple woman that her son was dying.......that moment, I wanted to shout at her at the top of my voice....do something, he is dying.....do smthing....go pray.....beg, beg for his life...hold his hand tight..... place his head in your lap....they cant take him away from you if u never let them.....dont let them....dnt even blink  an eye or ur most precious one will be taken away by those merciless hands....just hold him, absorb his sight in your mind....trace his features so u may never forget them.........

Never uttered a word and came back. I knew she knew, but was in state of self denial. Maybe If I said all that to her, she wont have slept that night.......that extra hour.......those extra 10 mins.....she will never get those ever in her life..........the guilt kills me.......per me kahan se lati wo lafz jo aik maa ko bata sakain kay uska beta mer jayega.......meray sab lafz kho gaye thay us samay...shayed main bhi...

Another grave I stand by my eyes closed......I can hear myself....As a favour, you should always lie to me from now onwards....whenever I ask, u say u had loved me more than anyone. But thats true, I can hear him say...I have loved you more than all......Bullshit I wanted to say.....but never said it.  I will always be the way I am, me, you or no one can change it......and this is killing you I know....you can not survive it, no one can......for your sake, for sake of your happiness, ur life, we should seperate..........Bullshit......jo tumhari jagah hai wo sirf tumhari rahay gi.....Bullshit............ye tumhara bed hai...unme se koi yahan kabhi nhi..........Bullshit.........tum mujhay samajhti ho, sirf tum samajhti ho.........tumhain maloom hai yehi sahi hai....me nhi badal paonga aur tum seh nhi sako gi...bullshit......Mujhay maloom hai tum mujhay maaf kr do gi...me ne pyar kya tha khud ko baicha nhi tha............mujh se achi to prostitute hoti hain......me to muft me bik gyi...sirf muhabbat kay nam pe bik gyi....Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit !!!

Sab lafz meray ander dum tor gaye.........no one around, no one to help.....and in months, he called me once....when someone told him I had died in giving birth to his child, he called......called to confirm....must be an april fool joke, I said.....U think Im alive? ages since I havent breathed happiness.......... I could never say that.

Im afraid of the dark.....I cant live alone......I want someone around me....Never said it all. All my words gave up on me.

and then yesterday.........aur koi masla pareshani......I laughed ...laughed n laughed till I had tears in my eyes.....nhi kuch bhi nhi !!!

.....thy name is perfidy !!!

I havent been able to understand women...being one myself I can never believe the underlying logic of our actions. Impulses they say, true, but mostly we pretend to be acting on impulses. Whatever we do is all pre contrived. Im a woman too, I do it all too, but theres somethng in me continuously fighting this inborn urge to pretend and betray, still I end up only doing it all in a finer manner. But today im going to put an end to it by warning people what we are all about. Twister was nice in saying anyone could be a bitch, even men. Very polite of him, but mostly its only us. Except for a rare few, most of us fall in one or more categories. Myself I can easily classify in three of his categories.....abundance or WHATTTT!!!

For one thing, we are the most un grateful creatures on the earth.  On a date, most women would want their date to be just themselves....NOT REALLY !!! their definition of ''being themselves'' is nothing less than  a Brad Pitt in branded shoes and clothes, driving a luxury car, taking them to a five star with a seven course menu,and ofcourse  a person playing violin while they dine. Thats too much you would say...ah no.......we need them to bring a diamond ring too. And when and if they go down on their knees, we go like OMG, WHAT A WEIRDO...WHO PROPOSES ON FIRST DATE MAN???

Still I tell you, anything short of it, its not a good date. Talking about being un grateful, a simple looking plain girl with a little style and itsy bitsy titsies would go like....

About her best friend who loves her secretly:

He is always there for me....I feel like I can say anyyything to him and he would never judge me....he is such a sweetheart, meri saheli hai woh....but theres somethng so feminish about him na, being with a girl all the time and saying awww awww at whatever I say or do. He is funny and I feel protected with him, but romance??? NO WAY!!!

About a nice guy who asked her out on  a date:

What did he think? Me koi aisi wesi lerki hun kya!!!

About a random guy who was just being nice to her in parking lot by offering his parking space :

Lerki dekhi nhi aur lattooo ho gye....By God what a creep!!!!

About the guy she is about to dump:

He is just too possessive and I need my space and whats more zara bhi manly nhi hai .....papa se pocketmoney leta hai..... ...huh

About her flirtatious n bitching ex:

I dont think I can ever move on......just love him soooooo much.

AWWWW.....................

Telling you, we do not deserve sympathies. Tactfully we make the majority waive off their rights to us so we could enjoy our lives more.

The sole reason why we are descriminated against is that we want to be descriminated against. Ask any gal how shes doing...and she'd be either ...im toooooooo awesome.:D or Oh Im so tired...nothing in between, both asking for more attention, just in a different way. And they actually get the attention. The guy could be a fire fighter, working 8 hrs straight to fight a fire down, rescuing ppl, and still we go awww my baby to the gal who was tired coz she went shopping and and partying. =/

Read the descriminating facebook too n here I quote : The girl's status reads ''OMG I just love this new pink dress''....101 likes.....Boy's '' I just won Nobel prize'' 2 likes....of which one is he himself. Girl's status..''I wanna ride a bus one day'' comments : aww honey, take me wid u plzzzz ...Boy's '' I wanna ride a bus'' comment : conductor lag ja tu. Abbay ne cycle nhi ley k di to bus me hi jayega na kamina sala.

Trust a psychopath, a serial killer , maybe Bush too....but never trust a crying woman.  We are the strongest creatures on planet earth, hell yeah.. why wud we cry except for the time we want to do emotional atyachar on someone? Trust me, if a woman can give birth to a child , she can do anything in the world. I know many men, and none I think can ever be able to go for a delivery even if they wanted to. They are just too fragile for it....if u knw what I mean!

Similarly, never trust an over sweet one.......a gal with the other........meri jaaaan mwahhhh mwahhh...kahan theiiiiiiin? i  missed u soooooo much sweetoo.....after she leaves.....WHAT  A TWO FACED BITCH....exxxxcuse me?????

By the way, that classifies me as a traitor too.....in case something happens to me, u should know where to look for.

P.S dnt hate me all :(((  <smirrrrrrk>

My chocolate cream soldier !!!

It all started when I saw a dream from someones eyes......no wait, before I go to elaborate, be clear its again hallucinations. Though  I want it to be as real as is possible for God. And yeah Romey I will  see someone soon about my hallucinations..... where was I? yes....It all started when I saw a dream, some one else' s dream it was....I borrowed for a night....fields, sun setting smwhere behind, a river flowing, windmills I added myself, and air blowing my hair....the damsel in distress and the chocolate cream soldier......

A teenager, I read Arms and the man , and I was like if I was ever granted one wish, Il ask for a custom made chocolate cream soldier for myself.... years passed by never met anyone even close to it and when I had lost all hope,and thought  maybe the factory had shut down, mayb they dnt make em anymore....there he was...brewing storms... standing firm for his beliefs, fighting for his friends.

My Chocolate cream soldier.....beyond all standards, all limits......where I think all kindness ends there I see a  soft kindle in his eyes......where I think words cant wield the matter, there I see heart rending expression in his simple wrecked sentences.....when I think there ends all the care in the world, theres his compassionate embrace around my shoulders.

A soft voice reminding me, never delete me from your life no matter what happens, no matter how distant we grow,  be back in three days as if you went no where.....Heyy, my heart shouts, I get to say this, and u get to violate it. Thats the way it goes.....No, he says, we say this and we shall abide by it. Applies to u too? I ask in surprise, Me more is the answer.......

Hallucinations..............

We will cross the road together and with your gait of a lost goat juuuuuust when u are about to get hit by the car, il pull u bk n say...''Buddhiya andhi ho kya''?

Il carry balle on my back n run........we are gud together we dont need uuuuuuuu...

I want to be a millionaire to help the poor and needy. Wel rob a bank soon, and ul b my partner in crime.....says Robin Hood.

Seemingly hard, but melts at a touch.....my chocolate cream soldier.

All Hallucinations?

Nah...thori haqeeqat thora fasana.....but people like that do exist...somewhere in the world, People who know the meaning of love, passion,  kindness, care, benevolence and who stand firm against all adversity. Just look around ... 

All you positivists get a soul!!!

The age that we are living in the the age of reductionsim. We reduce dimensions on a positivist criteria. Sucks Big Time !!!

Positivism cant even define a human. All advancements in science and theory consider humans as an integrated set of mind and body. Flesh and thinking processes, replication of which is artificial intelligence. Thus, in a positivist regime, you are not allowed to have a soul, coz positivism cant account for a  soul.

I better be born in dark ages....

Khushiyon ki Home Delivery.... :D

The exact moment Dominos pizza was being delivered at my place I noted an ambulance by the next block. My heart sank. It was one of those days nothing was  turning out well. And anyways, how can the presence of an ambulance be an indication of something good happening there. Well it was.....

I saw a doctor hurry back to the ambulance with a small covered parcel in hand. I went over and ask him ..What happened here?.....BABY BOY  his reply came....and all of a sudden all the gloom in my heart flew away and I chuckled. It was so uncalled for that the doc first saw me in surprise then began laughing...We laughed like crazies.....ignoring the presence of others around, the pizza boy waiting with change, the new mom taken by surprise at our celebration, the worried father whose every wrinkle of face was fading away with each laugh and the neighbors hung on their reilings wondering what was going on there. The whole world faded away at that moment and we laughed till the mournful grey evening looked at us in awe and smiled herself......

Angels in Armani Suits

Romey says Im delusional and I should see a psychologist. Not the same words though, he has his polite way of putting it. At times, mostly he is crude and shrewed. Well as far as being delusional is concerned, I think he himself is delusional. Said I called u a shining star last night, now some people will take it as praise, but actually what he did call me was a washroom!!!! ''Oh ur name is so similar to a washroooooom,'' he said with a smirk.....huh.....DELUSIONAL!!!

But really, I see things. Things I cant explain. Things when I tell to someone their expressions are exact replicas of Romey's reaction. Like this guy whose number I got from an old half torn poster on a wall that read laundry service. Its the third time he has come in to pick my laundry. Now thats not out of ordinary. What is, is that the guy takes up my curtains n towels for $ 3 only, travelling half an hour on his Honda civic, with Italian model looks dressed in an Armani suit and Nike shoes,when he picks up my bags of laundry, I barely resist the urge of touching him to see if he really exists and asking him if he really is a laundry service boy. However I dont do that, of the fear of being slapped for one and him asking me if he wasnt a laundry wala why in the hell did I call him, for second. Well maybe next time I do get to touch him....lol....sounds naughty!!!.

Then theres this middleaged sweet looking angel, who is on the road solely for the purpose of facilitating me. Here I take baby's stroller out and BOOF !!! there she is....... to drop us off at the bank, wait for us and then take us back home.As soon as a car slows down behind me, I know either its the hump, or her. Weird comparison though.

The Nigerian guy, who helped me with danny when he got his finger hurt in glass door, called me by name....my first name......and when I asked, heyy, how do u know my name, i havent ever met u in my lifeee...he just smiled and took an elevator up. UP u see......

Then theres him. He has random nicks but mostly goes by verti. Always there. Always ready to help. Making us feel we can fall back on him whenever we like. Makes our world more accomodating and our risks less riskier. I may end up marrying my daughter to his son one day, that is how much I like him.

Silent. When wearing blue all over and whining no body loves me....who said the world was fair....blah blah...he goes on n say most wonderful things in the world like.....''Red , I can pay for your monthly digests''. and ''If nobody says I love you then dont worry, though u r not my type still I can say  I love u....'' The first one being more truely appreciated so much so that I managed a tear out of my ever dry eyes...NAH ..

And many more........ never leaving me alone...my angels, making this  world and life within easier and amicable for me.   {{{{{MY ANGELS}}}} with bald foreheads, armani suits and pot bellies...

When I was a child, I was always told an angel came n left me this and that. I used to get very angry then, because I came to know of angles only after they had left. Not now...... Now, when I see an angle , I get them by the smile on their face and the soft burning flames of kindness in their eyes, and I make a note of them in the secret red book of mine,  thanking them to be there for me. This post is a way of thanking them.

You too, take some time to think, identify and say thanks to your angels.....

Heil Headaches....

A headache is a two edged sword. Makes you go for the deepest plunges, the riskiest ventures and the darkest follies believing you'd be happy about them the next morning. While next morning all you can say is ''SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT''.

However, theres a good thing to it. It mutes the world down. You may see people misbehave, talk politics, be rude to your cat and all you do is not feel it but stash it down somewhere at the back of your mind for a later non headached review. That too, never happens. It gets all smoothered at the very first  lure of sleep.

Just shouldnt come univited....headaches I mean....Panadol with grapefruit juice is a nice idea since my sole intention is to drink the juice and leave tablet at bottom of the glass in semi dissolved non retreatable form, just like in childhood. Can still hear my mom saying...''Kya ho ga tera aik goli nhi nigli jati!!!''....mje nhi nigalna abhi...jan kay nhi...abhi kuch der aur duniya ko chup hi rehnay do!!!

Wednesday Blues werent as blue anymore !!!

Wohoa....today again another day full of all sorts of miserable humour. The teacher was late so i began taking in the class n my fellow mates....

The Iranis astonishingly now consider me as one of their own kind (dunno why) and are pretty concerned about me, which honestly scares me. Next time they ask if I was having any problem here , I would start digging in my bag or hide under the table. Hell, they not only smile at me most generously but also laugh at my jokes, which is more than what I could take from some handsome men least interested romantically in me.

Norhim, like always is too random in saying '' Hi '' even. Today also he said hi to my non existential, but somehow for Norhim present hubby. Then started talking to Sami aboout Akon, the way they both resembled by skin color n sexuality and yet had so different voices. I just hope momentary insanity doesnt take him over and he ends up researching that.

Chou like always choouuu na na choouu na na na, delivered an important message from the teacher which comprised of the fact that this lecture was going to be an important lecture ....DUH!!!

The kids of class (dumbest, ever eating ones) are sitting baffled. one saying to other  ''The words are okay..the mind is not''. OH YES IT AINT !!!.....I think she means to say she didnt get the concept. Their conversation, only when their mouths are free from chewing, goes like this...Can, one says...Can't, the other one says, Can  the first one insists, Cant the other one persists and it goes on and on till theres tea break. One of them is having a fling with this other gal, too much makeup and a neck permanently tilted to an angle where maybe she can see her own breasts if she decides to look down. Apparently it feels she thinks she looks hot wearing her neck n hair like this. My opinion??? She'd look hotter if she wasnt wearing her HEAD at all.

Cant see Safia today. The most obnoxious one. In her presence I feel if I had a downfall, I wont land on rock bottom, I will land on HER.

In the first row, Kavitaa.......
She has taken this animosity towards me which is reserved only for potential competitors. WTH woman, Im DUMB...

Oh My, The only two handsome guys in the class are also not present...Shucks!!! One I know will be hanging out with his girlfriend, the other with the girlfriend of his girlfriend.....Who said life was fair??? <sighs>

Having a  short session on reaserch, concluding early and  heading my way back  home through the dark jungle at 10 p.m, the man s silhouette in front of me is creating all sorts of hellucinations. This, I think cant be happening, cant be true. Its so unreal. Me here all alone with kids.... Who left me and who did I leave behind. How can a person be left behind and still leaving the other person??? But departures are bad, they make everything possible. I rub my eyes, still cant see who is the one walking in front of me , just shadows....shadows oh shadows....y do u never uncover it all at once, ages since you  have been giving way to just other shadows....

As the only upcoming car's headlights approach, I hear humming to my right...''OMG, u scared me ....thought u were just a vision!"..I said to my Irani neighbor walking past me n hurried inside the gates....................